IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Multicultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnic peoples, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

#societies #mixture #peoples #country
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In
this
 contemporary epoch, a larger number of societies consist of numerous religions living together. There are various advantages and
disadvanatges
Correct your spelling
disadvantages
 of
such
 societies,
however
, I believe it is more beneficial to opt for a multicultural
society
 rather
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
 a single religion one.
This
 essay will
further
 elaborate
these
Change preposition
on these
show examples
 viewpoints and will lead to a logical conclusion.
To begin
 with, the most prominent benefit of
multicultural
Add an article
a multicultural
show examples
society
 is that it brings
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
unity among all members residing in
area
Add an article
the area
show examples
. They can share their festivals and myths with others.
Moreover
, it
also
help
Change the verb form
helps
show examples
 them to expand their
knowkledge
Correct your spelling
knowledge
 about subsequent cultures and their languages which is quite helpful for them in future if they plan to immigrate to any other nation.
This
 living style would
espouse
Verb problem
encourage
show examples
 them to adjust
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 a new country and their culture.
However
, the areas which consist mixture of various ethnic humans are more prone to arguments or fights. Sometimes the beliefs or myths of two or more religions contradict each other
due to
 which relentless arguments occur.
Besides
, the repercussions of
such
 scenes could be disastrous, it might have pernicious effects
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 murder
misteries
Correct your spelling
mysteries
. In my opinion, when humans reside with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people of mixed religions it encourages
to
Correct pronoun usage
them to
show examples
 generate a sense of respect among each other.
Thus
, it is
helful
Correct your spelling
helpful
 to maintain a healthy, serene, and multicultured
society
. Expansion of knowledge and becoming more social is another pivotal positive point to support
such
 communities.
To conclude
, as per the testimonials mentioned above it is crystal clear that
multilateral
Correct article usage
a multilateral
show examples
society
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 few cons to humans but these are immensely acceptable and prove to have relentless pros to people;
therefore
, these should not be overlooked.
Submitted by ss6802125 on

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task achievement
Try to present clear and detailed examples to support your points, rather than general statements. This will make your argument stronger and more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph maintains a single clear idea and avoid mixing arguments or points. This will boost logical flow
coherence cohesion
Minor spelling and grammar errors are present. Consider using spelling and grammar tools to double-check your essay before submission.
coherence cohesion
The introduction sets up the topic and indicates your stance clearly, which is very good.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear response to the question, addressing both benefits and drawbacks of multicultural societies.
coherence cohesion
The paragraphs are logically organized and follow a clear structure, leading to a conclusion that ties the arguments together neatly.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • multiculturalism
  • cultural diversity
  • economic prosperity
  • social cohesion
  • integration
  • cultural assimilation
  • ethnic diversity
  • cultural exchange
  • global influence
  • inclusive governance
What to do next:
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