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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Social media platforms are gaining in popularity in recent years. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages ? [426]

#media #platforms #popularity #years
With the advent of the internet, society has witnessed a revolution in many aspects of life, and
entertaiment
Correct your spelling
entertainment
 is
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
no exception. New kinds of pastimes have appeared and probably, one of the most prominent recreations is social
media
. Rarely do we see a person without a phone full of social
media
 nowadays and it might be what people spend most of their time with.
However
,
this
 raises a critical question of whether the incremental popularity of these new kinds of entertainment is actually beneficial or
there
Correct word choice
whether there
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 may exist a potential risk to our daily lives. After weighing up both the merits and demerits of
this
 practice, I myself believe that the former far outweighs the latter,
thus
 substantiating
further
 pursuit of the above enquiry. Indeed, were social
media
be
Fix the infinitive
to be
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 overused, it would bring about major disadvantages.
Firstly
, many
users
, especially teenagers, can find social
media
 highly addictive. In
this
 premise, it is the natural enthusiasm of humans when approaching and later on, deeply diving into the web version of society, plus the impressionability of teenagers, that have exacerbated the problem.
For example
, cases have been recorded where children are too immersed in the appealing world of social
media
, leading to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of human contact and even depression.
Additionally
,
users
 can run risks of privacy invasion. Indeed, when signing in, people receive
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
insurance from the service-providing company to keep their
information
in tact
Correct your spelling
intact
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.
However
, attacks have been recorded in several companies, including META, the headquarters of Facebook, which led to server crashes and leakage of
users
’
information
.
Although
 there were no major problems, the fact that our personal
information
 is vulnerable to hackers raises the question of online safety on social networking sites, since in fact, social
media
, within realms of possibility, could bear immense harm to
users
, both physiologically and psychologically.
Nevertheless
, every coin has two sides, and social
media
 could deliver more favours than drawbacks.
For instance
, social
media
 can foster innovation and learning. With the diversity of ideas and notions shared by experts on social
media
 channels, it can spark creativity among
users
. Just with a simple prompt and a click of a button, anyone can gain access to the seemingly unlimited sources of
information
. A selective attitude could be required to be able to acknowledge the noteworthy
information
 but if used properly, social platforms could yield a positive outcome to your knowledge.
Moreover
, social
media
 might be one of the best approaches to news and current events. Platforms like X, Facebook and
Youtube
Correct your spelling
YouTube
show examples
 have emerged
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
as real-time sources, providing instant updates on happenings around the world.
Additionally
, it is the availability and convenience that facilitate access to breaking news and help people stay informed on current events as they unfold.
Accordingly
, Not only does social
media
 offer constant
information
 access but
also
 entertainment alongside connectivity. The above discussion clearly demonstrates that the values social
media
 can bring about far overweight the latent risks. These platforms are here to stay and might continue to thrive in popularity in the aftermath of the continual development of society.
Submitted by Andy on

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task achievement
Your introduction provides a clear outline of the topic and your stance, which is very good. However, ensure that your sentences remain clear and free of any minor errors that might disrupt the flow.
task achievement
In the body paragraphs, make sure all examples directly support the points you are making. A few examples were somewhat general; they could have been more specific to enhance the illustration.
coherence cohesion
While your ideas are coherent, using clear paragraphing and transitioning can make your essay even more cohesive. Consider using more transitional phrases to link your points seamlessly.
coherence cohesion
Increase the complexity and variation of your sentence structures. This will help showcase your language proficiency and keep the reader engaged.
grammar
Review minor grammatical errors. While they do not significantly detract from your argument, their correction can elevate the overall quality of your essay.
task achievement
Your essay covers the advantages and disadvantages of social media comprehensively, showing a deep engagement with the topic.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion clearly state and support your viewpoint, providing a strong framework for the essay.
coherence cohesion
The logical flow between paragraphs is well-maintained, and each paragraph contributes to your overall argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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