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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

It is important fot children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? What sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behaviour to children?

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Nowadays, people argue that it is necessary for youngsters to learn the difference between
right
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 and wrong at an early age, and provide
punishment
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 to help them learn
this
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 distinction. I quietly agree with
this
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 statement,
this
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 essay will discuss how
teachers
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 or
parents
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 use
punishment
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 more effectively. The youngster is the age group that
have
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has
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 to gain most of their skills
such
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 as social skills and know what are the
right
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 things that
suitable
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are suitable
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 for
this
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 age.
Furthermore
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, sometimes kids do the wrong things and it can be dangerous for them,
punishment
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 might be the best option to prevent children not to doing
this
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 again and teach them more about their responsibilities.
For example
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, when I was a kid, I was spending too much time on my own devices, which caused
an
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apply
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eye strain,
hence
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, my dad did not let me play for a week.
In addition
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,
parents
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 should
be paid
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pay
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 more attention and teach their children to reduce the risk that it might happen in the future. On the one hand,
punishment
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 is the most effective way that
parents
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 actually use with their kids
such
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 as keeping them in the house to avoid them going home at the wrong time.
Moreover
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, for some students who distracted other pupils during their courses, the teacher would give them comfortable punishments to make them concentrate on the lessons.
For instance
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, in my class, there's one group that usually plays games with
loud
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a loud
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 noise during classes,
therefore
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,
teachers
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 told them to go out sight the class since
then
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.
Additionally
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,
parents
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 or
teachers
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 would give them a lesson by the punishments. In conclusion, I believe
punishment
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 can give them a chance to change the way they do and learn from
right
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 and wrong things through their own experiences. Particularly,
parents
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 and
teachers
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 should choose the
right
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punishment
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 that will help them understand their mistakes.

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To improve your essay, expand on the examples provided and ensure they directly relate to the main points of your argument. This will make your examples more relevant and help reinforce your points.
task achievement
Avoid common grammatical mistakes and awkward phrasing by carefully proofreading your essay before submission. This will make your ideas clearer and easier to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Using better transition phrases between paragraphs will improve coherence and help the reader follow your argument more smoothly.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure all main points are well-supported with examples or further explanation. Strengthening your points will make your arguments more convincing and cohesive.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which makes it easier to follow.
task achievement
The task response addresses the main question effectively, providing a balanced view on the use of punishment in child upbringing.
task achievement
There are some good examples drawn from personal experience that help illustrate the points being made. This adds authenticity and relatability to the essay.
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