IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some say that music is as important as other subjects in schools, especially at the preschool level. Do you agree or disagree? Give your opinion.

#say #music #subjects #schools #level
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is hard to deny that It is not necessary to learn
music
Use synonyms
 in schools because it is time-consuming. And
such
Linking Words
 effects to some people to generate the opinion that
children
Use synonyms
 don't need to learn
music
Use synonyms
, as It is not as important as other lessons.
However
Linking Words
,
such
Linking Words
 a statement suffers from both logical and factual fallacies and should be examined meticulously. As far as mental health and learning ability, I strongly hold that
music
Use synonyms
 is as important as other subjects, especially those at the preschool level. First and foremost,
music
Use synonyms
 is good for
children
Use synonyms
's health. To be specific, the early
development
Use synonyms
 of
babies's
Fix the agreement mistake
a baby's
show examples
 brain is related to the external stimulus he receives.
Music
Use synonyms
, as a kind of sensory stimulation, can not only promote the
development
Use synonyms
 of babies's musical intelligence
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
 benefit the
development
Use synonyms
 of other skills, making the child
looks
Correct subject-verb agreement
look
show examples
 more clever than their peers, who are not given musical stimulation. Plus,
Music
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 has a very good healing effect, can soothe the baby's mood, and reduce crying, for the baby who suffered unpleasant experiences,
music
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 has a treating effect which can soothe their mood, reducing crying, especially for those who has suffered from unpleasant experiences,
music
Use synonyms
 can be regarded as good mental therapy.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, a voice arises that
music
Use synonyms
 lessons can take time away from other basic subjects,
such
Linking Words
 as math and physics, leading to lower grades. Ironically,
children
Use synonyms
's learning
also
Linking Words
 is influenced by
music
Use synonyms
. Take the case of the famous studies from a top-notch university. Studies have shown that
music
Use synonyms
 education can promote
children
Use synonyms
's intellectual
development
Use synonyms
, and improve their attention, memory and excellent academic performance in science, physics and mathematics.
Music
Use synonyms
 education can
also
Linking Words
 promote
children
Use synonyms
's physical
development
Use synonyms
 and improve their coordination and motor skills ‌. In conclusion,
Music
Use synonyms
, as an art form, has a positive impact on
children
Use synonyms
's mental
development
Use synonyms
 and learning ability. So,
music
Use synonyms
 is as important as other subjects in schools, especially at the preschool level.
Submitted by 2631272260 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
You have effectively addressed the task with a clear opinion and strong arguments supporting your view. However, introducing specific real-world examples or studies would strengthen your arguments further.
coherence cohesion
Although the essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, ensuring smoother transitions between points would enhance coherence. Also, elaborating more on contrasting opinions and providing a more thorough discussion would contribute to a balanced argument.
task achievement
The essay has a clear and relevant response to the task with a well-defined opinion supported by logical arguments.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and well-stated, effectively framing the essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a logical structure, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: