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Band 4

Some people think that as long as professional sportsmen and sportswomen are good players, their behavior on and off the paying fields is not important. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #sportsmen #sportswomen #players #behavior #fields
There are some people who believe that the bad conduct of sportsmen and sportswomen can be neglected
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 if they are
skillful
Change the spelling
skilful
show examples
.
This
 essay will explain that if players have good
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 in their professional or private life, they can increase their worth
amongest
Correct your spelling
amongst
 clubs and motivation. One of the things that can make sports players pricier is their fine conduct on the field. Organisations will try to recruit members
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 can have a satisfactory relationship with their fellow
teamates
Correct your spelling
teammates
 or managers. They can get better guidance from their
couches
Correct your spelling
coaches
show examples
 or other members can point out their weaknesses to overcome them.
Thus
, I believe that
this
 can lead to having a better performance on the field and more worth for the club. Another advantage of sportsmen`s positive
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 in
personal
Correct pronoun usage
their personal
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 life is raising their motivation. For most of the athletes, the support of their fans
motivate
Correct subject-verb agreement
motivates
show examples
 them and if they show a negative side of their character constantly, their popularity may hit
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
rock bottom. In
this
 case, they could get
threaten
Wrong verb form
threatened
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 by fans to retire or even
recieve
Correct your spelling
receive
 threat letters . So, I think that the encouragement
that
Correct word choice
and
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supportes
Correct your spelling
support
give
Wrong verb form
given
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 to the athletes who perform and behave well is considerable and
noticable
Correct your spelling
noticeable
. In
conlusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
,
while
 some people think that the
ethic
Fix the agreement mistake
ethics
show examples
 of sportsmen and sportwomen do not play a role on the field, I believe that the importance of acceptable behavior can increase their worth and make athletes more motivated.
Submitted by mohamad.m.sharifi74 on

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coherence
Work on making the transitions between points smoother and more logical to improve coherence.
task response
Provide more concrete examples to support your arguments and add depth to your ideas. Doing so will make your essay more convincing.
coherence
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in presenting a well-rounded argument.
task response
Your ideas are generally clear and you address the task effectively, sticking to the topic throughout the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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