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Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT COUNTRIES SHOULD PRODUCE THE FOOD TO FIELD THEIR POPULATION THEMSELVES AND IMPORT AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE. TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?

#people #countries #food #field #population #import
A certain number of people have an opinion that countries must generate the products for subsistence for their civilians.
Moreover
, governments should import products as little as possible. Based on my personal opinion, I disagree with
this
 approach because it is pointless.
Although
, I admit that
this
 point of view has several advantages. In
this
 essay, I'll discuss about pros and cons of
this
 idea. One of the advantages of
this
 idea is environmental sustainability. For
the
Correct determiner usage
this
show examples
 reason localized production of
food
 can minimize the carbon footprint which is created by long-distance transportation of goods.
Likewise
, the next
pros
Fix the agreement mistake
pro
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 cultural preservation. Emphasizing
food
 production helps preserve traditional agricultural practices and supports local
food
 cultures promoting diversity and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
heritage. Even if they have
perspective
Correct article usage
a perspective
show examples
 chance to sustainability
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
etc, it
point have
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 a big issue in their way.
For instance
, the limited variety and the choice of foods can lead to massive dissatisfaction from buyers.
Furthermore
, it has
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
show examples
 effect
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 diplomatic
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 between countries which will
fetch
Verb problem
lead
show examples
 to
underdevelopment
Correct article usage
the underdevelopment
show examples
 of humanity.
Additionally
, the countries with limited production of
food
 will have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
big troubles. Consequences can include hunger and death.
To conclude
, I want to notice repeatedly that the idea of producing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
food
 only for
your
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
civilians
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
certain pros.
However
, it is simultaneously flawed and dangerous for people
Submitted by talgattan4ez on

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task achievement
Your introduction provides a clear position on the topic, but avoid using 'Based on my personal opinion' as it is redundant. Simply state your position clearly instead. Also, make sure to outline the structure of your essay more clearly in the introduction.
task achievement
While your ideas are clear, try to incorporate specific examples to support your arguments, particularly in the paragraphs discussing the disadvantages. This will help strengthen your response and make your argument more compelling.
coherence and cohesion
There is a need for better proofreading and grammatical corrections. For example, phrases like 'it is pointless,' 'environmental sustainability,' and 'cultural preservation' could be followed by better explanations to make them clearer and more coherent.
coherence and cohesion
Some phrases are awkward or unclear. For example, 'perspective chance to sustainability' and 'it point have big issue in their way' are difficult to understand. Spend some time improving sentence structure and clarity.
task achievement
You present both sides of the argument, which is excellent for demonstrating a balanced view.
coherence and cohesion
Your organization is logical, with distinct paragraphs dedicated to different points of view.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly present, which provides a well-rounded structure to your essay.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

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