IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Nowadays young people spend too much time in shopping malls. This has negative effects on themselves and the society they live in. To what extent do agree or disagree?

#people #time #malls #effects #society
These days, many teenagers waste their
time
 in commercial
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
, which has become a widespread concern. I totally agree with that point because wasting a lot of
time
 in plazas will lead to getting low scores at school or university, and it can
also
 result in losing a huge amount of money
due to
 excessive spending.
This
 issue has become even more relevant as shopping
malls
 are designed to attract
people
, especially the younger generation, with various entertainment options and tempting offers.
Firstly
,
killing
Verb problem
spending
show examples
time
 at shopping hubs will become a major problem for students, particularly when it comes to their studies. Spending too much
time
 shopping without focusing on school or university subjects will make it difficult for them to achieve higher grades.
For example
, by making a comparison between a good student who invests his
time
 wisely and a bad student who wastes
time
 in
malls
, we can see that the good student tends to have much higher marks than the one who neglects their studies.
Secondly
, staying at the mall for a long
time
 and purchasing unnecessary items can lead to the loss of a significant amount of cash. Usually, shopping districts are filled with advertising banners strategically placed to attract
people
 to buy things, despite the daily or weekly updated stocks and products that may not even be needed.
For example
, Dubai Mall, the largest mall in the world, follows
this
 principle by placing a lot of ads
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 every corner, pulling
people
 into making purchases they hadn’t planned on. In conclusion, young
people
 should not be allowed to spend excessive
time
 in
malls
.
Therefore
, I strongly believe that parents should take responsibility and limit their children’s access to
malls
 to prevent these negative outcomes.
Submitted by aymanstudiesabroad on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

vocabulary
Consider enhancing the range of vocabulary and sentence structures to make the essay more engaging.
grammar
Review the use of complex sentences to ensure variety and precision in expressing ideas.
content
The essay clearly presents a position and supports it with relevant arguments and examples.
coherence
The logical progression of ideas makes the essay easy to follow and understand.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • materialistic attitudes
  • excessive consumerism
  • sedentary lifestyles
  • peer pressure
  • financial irresponsibility
  • meaningful social relationships
  • family bonding
  • environmental degradation
  • commercial environments
  • productive activities
What to do next:
Look at other essays: