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Band 6

It is important for everyone, including young people, to save money for their future. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #money #future
Saving
money
 has been always a topic of debate. I completely agree that it is crucial for
people
 to save
money
 for the
future
 , especially
younger
Correct pronoun usage
younger ones
show examples
. It is my view that life is full of uncertainties even for individuals who have a job in a prestigious company or have a well-established own business.
People
 may get laid off from their
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 or bankrupt.
therefore
, it is crucial to save
money
 for all these financial instabilities in
future
.
On the other hand
, to buy fundamental things
such
 as a house or car
people
 need to save
money
 for years.
For instance
, in my country, young
people
 have to save up
money
 for up to twenty years to buy a small flat in cities.
In contrast
, some
people
 claim that nowadays in most countries
people
 face inflation. They firmly insist that in inflation
people
 lose the value of their saved
money
 in the near
future
,
whereas
 saving
money
 is an absurd action and
people
 should buy goods
instead
 of saving
money
.
However
, I do not find
this
 argument convincing as
people
 especially youngsters can save their
money
 by buying gold or any other material so that their value does not decrease over a period of time. In fact, in the time of inflation, the value of precious metals
such
 as gold and silver goes up.
Thus
, youngsters will have more
money
 than the
money
 they saved in
future
. In conclusion, I completely agree that saving
money
 is fundamentally crucial for
people
 because
people
 can face
future
 problems
such
 as job loss more calmly and in a better way,
also
 they can buy expensive things
such
 as an apartment easier.
Submitted by keyhan.mp on

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coherence/cohesion
Ensure that your introduction provides a clear overview of your stance. The current introduction is slightly ambiguous.
task achievement
Work on making your conclusion more impactful by summarizing key points more succinctly.
task achievement
Include more specific examples and data to support your arguments to make them more convincing.
coherence/cohesion
Clear and logical structure with well-defined paragraphs.
coherence/cohesion
Good use of contrast between different viewpoints, enhances the argumentative quality.
task achievement
Effective use of real-world examples, such as inflation and the comparison between saving money and investing in precious metals.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • safety net
  • unforeseen circumstances
  • emergencies
  • future investments
  • retirement planning
  • financial discipline
  • habit of saving
  • amassing wealth
  • substantial fund
  • opportunity cost
  • additional income
  • inflation
  • purchasing power
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