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Band 7

Walking is known to be beneficial for health and yet fewer and fewer people are walking these days. What are the reasons for this? What can be done to tackle this problem?

#health #people
Lesser
people
 enjoy strolling, which has become an increasingly pressing concern in contemporary society.
This
 essay will examine the primary causes contributing to
this
 issue,
as well as
 its significant repercussions.
Additionally
, potential solutions to solve these problems will be explored in
this
 essay. On the one hand, there are some main reasons why walking is known to be beneficial for health and yet fewer
people
 are ambling
this
 day.
Firstly
,
people
 nowadays are too busy to spend time sauntering. The amount of work each person needs to finish every day has increased significantly so they do not have enough time for walking.
Similarly
, the efficiency might not be high if the duration for strolling is not sufficiently long.
Secondly
, the rise of cities and increasing car ownership has made ambling less convenient and safe for many.
People
 usually choose private car duel to the length of distance they need to travel,
besides
that is
 the fear of crime and traffic accidents can deter
people
 from walking.
For instance
, Detroit in the USA has historically faced significant crime issues, which can prevent
people
 from walking, especially at night. Fortunately, several measures could be taken to alleviate
this
 problem. The first solution would be encouraging strolling breaks and providing facilities for cyclists and pedestrians. The government can reduce the number of working hours and motivate
people
 to participate in sauntering every day. Another solution is promoting the benefits of walking for physical and mental health. With the emphasis on financial gain, many individuals prioritize money over health, the media can play a role in reminding
people
 of the importance of taking care of themselves.
Besides
 that, organizing walking competitions and events to make sautering fun and social
also
 can encourage
people
 to walk. In conclusion,
it is clear that
 there are various reasons for what happened things, and steps need to be taken by the government and individuals to tackle
this
 problem. It can be predicted that with appropriate funding and implementation of these suggested measures,
this
 issue would likely be alleviated in the next years.
Submitted by mgnm140307 on

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task achievement
While your essay addresses the topic well and provides some relevant examples, the use of more detailed and specific examples would strengthen your arguments. Try to include examples from various sources or situations to give a broader perspective.
coherence cohesion
You have a well-structured essay with clear paragraphs, but occasionally, the transitions between ideas could be smoother. Consider using more cohesive devices to improve the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame the discussion.
task achievement
Your essay responds to the task prompt comprehensively, addressing both the reasons and potential solutions for the decline in walking.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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