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Writing Samples /
Band 2.5

More companies should employ older people ? Do you agree ?

#companies #people
corporation
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the corporation
a corporation
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 ought to hire more senior
people
. I
am partially agree
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partially agree
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 with
this
 statement. Arguments to crutch my notion will be discussed in the forthcoming paragraphs. Why
company
 should employ more older
people
?Proper reason can be cited.
Firstly
, "Experience is the best teacher ".Aged
people
 have more experience which makes them better than their counterparts. As
repercussion
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a repercussion
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, they have more knowledge and patience to tackle problems.
On the other hand
 , Population is increasing by leaps and bounds. As
result
Correct article usage
a result
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 , competition will increase too.If all the
organigation
Correct your spelling
organisations
 hire older
people
, younger
people
 will become unemployed.
Due to
this
 employment,
Company
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the Company
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 will
loose
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lose
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briliant
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brilliant
minds.Because of
advance
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advanced
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 technology,youth
knows
Correct subject-verb agreement
know
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 how to use gadgets to make hard work
to
Change preposition
apply
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easy. "Health is wealth",
due to
 age, senior
people
 are more vulnerable to some cardiovascular diseases like
,
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apply
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 diabetes ,
high
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and high
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bills
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bill
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 pressure. If they are not fit as
fiddle
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a fiddle
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 , they will not give
best
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the best
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 performance for their work.
Beacsue
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Because
 they will be less productive and less energetic than their counterparts. So, they will take off from work more usual than others. So
company
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companies
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 should think wisely
while
 hiring
people
. Agglomerating all the points elaborated above , it can be reiterated that senior employee's experience and knowledge play
vital
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a vital
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 role in the organization
Although
 younger
people
 are more vigorous and beneficial for the
company
.
Submitted by faluprajapati257 on

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coherence cohesion
You have a partially effective introduction which states your position. However, it could be more explicitly connected to the whole essay.
coherence cohesion
Your ideas should be more clearly organized. Try to use separate paragraphs for different points, and ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea that is well-supported.
task achievement
To improve the task achievement, provide more specific examples and evidence to support your arguments.
task achievement
Work on clarity and comprehensiveness. Some sentences are difficult to understand due to grammatical errors and awkward phrasing.
task achievement
You've made a clear attempt to address both sides of the argument, which is good.
task achievement
The essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic and its complexity, showing critical thinking skills.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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