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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The diagram illustrates how bees produce honey. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The diagram illustrates how bees produce honey. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The graphic is showing us information about the production of
honey
Use synonyms
 by the
bees
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, the production of
honey
Use synonyms
 consists
in
Change preposition
of
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 7 steps, starting with the construction of the bee’s nest and finishing with the
honey
Use synonyms
 in a jar after the collection. The first step consists
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 building the hives that have octagonal structures called
cells
Use synonyms
.
Them
Correct your spelling
Then
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, the
bees
Use synonyms
 leave the hives and fly in order to
found
Wrong verb form
find
show examples
 flowers to pollinate. When the
bees
Use synonyms
finally
Linking Words
 find a suitable flower, they extract their nectar. After that, the
bees
Use synonyms
 bring the nectar back to the
cells
Use synonyms
 in the hives. Once the
bees
Use synonyms
 have filled all the
cells
Use synonyms
 with nectar from the flowers, they start to flap their wings in order to produce
air flow
Correct your spelling
airflow
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 beginning, in that way the evaporation of water. When the water is totally evaporated, the
honey
Use synonyms
 in the
cells
Use synonyms
 is ready to collect and can be put in jars for human
Correct your spelling
consumption
consuption
Correct your spelling
consumption

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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words honey, bees, cells with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 2 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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