IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Although many people value their public parks, this space could be better used for other purposes such as residential areas for the ever growing population or to develop business and boost economies. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this?

#people #value #parks #space #purposes #areas #population #business #economies
Some
people
 believe that
places
 that are guaranteed for
people
 should be important,
while
 others prefer those
places
 used for economic purposes and building. I agree with the first state,
even
Correct pronoun usage
that even
show examples
 though building new apartments would improve the economy, parks are built in healthy environments and give us a chance to raise our children in the safest place. Recently, urbanization has developed and there is still some need for plenty of
places
 where
people
 spend their free time.
Also
, architects are planning green environments with their
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
.
For instance
, in Ulaanbaatar,
due to
 urbanization there is a need for more free
places
 for children.
As a result
, they cannot get plenty of vitamin D and cannot enjoy their weekends. Public parks are
places
 for spending time and support our health. Green nature species reduce noise pollution. Modern
people
 live in a lot of noises that are not we concerned.
For example
, a research study shows that 1000 db sound is created through
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
traffic
jam
Fix the agreement mistake
jams
show examples
 and 1500 db from new buildings and so on. Those noises lead to hearing loss slightly year by year and build chronic stress. Our social economy builds new malls and residencies a lot and if we do not care it will have some adverse effects on our health in the new feature.
To sum up
, the upgradation of new buildings has increased but we have to balance those two areas.
Submitted by baigalnarantuya1 on

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task response
While you have provided a clear introduction and conclusion, your main points can benefit from more detailed explanations and support with relevant examples. Try to elaborate more on your main arguments to strengthen your essay and make it more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Improve the coherence of your paragraphs by ensuring that each sentence logically follows the previous one. Focus on linking your ideas more smoothly and appropriately.
task response
Provide more specific and relevant examples to support your arguments. This will make your points stronger and more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and present, which provides a good structure to your essay.
task response
You have addressed the task by discussing both the use of parks and the potential benefits of using the space for residential and economic purposes.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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