IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Government spend a lot of money on public celebrations such as national holidays and public festivals. Some people say that government spend too much on this and that they should use this money on other useful things. Do you agree or disagree ?

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It is often believed that the
government
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 spends a large amount of money on public
celebrations
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, which should be distributed to other more significant areas. I partially agree with
this
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, for it should provide more money to the poor since a stagnant
economy
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make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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 many people suffer from poverty regardless of the importance of the investment in national
celebrations
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due to
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 their long-term benefits. On the one hand, it is necessary for the
government
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 to spend a sufficient amount of money on public
celebrations
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 because of the incredible effects that they will have on the national
economy
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.
In other words
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, holding special events to demonstrate sophisticated skills and knowledge will attract the attention of an
internationalp
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international
 audience, boosting more opportunities for new contracts and financial support.
For instance
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, a national festival held in Osaka was successful in promoting
the
Correct article usage
apply
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local business by exhibiting various unique products
such
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 as flying cars and robots interacting with humans.
Therefore
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, their fame for their advanced techniques and creative ideas prevailed in different parts of the world, which led to the prosperity of local industries, making it essential for the authorities to invest in
such
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 festivals.
On the other hand
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, it is more urgent for the authorities to invest in public life since
stagnant
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the stagnant
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economy
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 has aggravated poverty, for which many people demand financial assistance for their survival. Indeed, a rising rate of unemployment has become a serious issue, which forces many people to live under severe conditions.
Furthermore
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, about 10% of young adults in Japan are not even able to afford to pay for their food and accommodation, promoting their health problems as well.
Thus
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, the
government
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 should put more priority on saving
lives
Correct article usage
the lives
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 of those who live
such
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 a hostile life than holding national events, which are only beneficial to particular companies and investors. In conclusion, I somewhat agree that public funds should be spent on those whose basic right to live is increasingly threatened by the downturn of
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economy
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the economy
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.
While
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 public safety is the most important factor for the
government
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 to consider,
however
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, the investment in national
celebrations
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 will help local business expand their business opportunities.

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language
Use more varied vocabulary and avoid repetition to enhance readability.
content
Provide more concrete examples where possible, particularly when discussing the impact on the poor.
cohesion
Work on smoother transitions between paragraphs to improve the flow of ideas.
task response
The essay presents a balanced viewpoint, considering both sides of the argument.
content
Good use of an example with the Osaka festival to support the positive impacts of public celebrations.
cohesion
Clear introduction and conclusion that help frame the essay effectively.
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