IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Over the last few decades, the media has promoted the image of young thin women as being ideal. What problems has this caused? What solutions can you suggest for this issue?

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In recent years, the media has been developing as a vehicle to connect
people
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 with each other and
also
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 to propagandize information. The
image
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 of young thin
women
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 is promoted as an ideal
image
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 for
women
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 to pursue.
This
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 problem can cause shaming in everybody's
minds
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 about
women
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. In my opinion, the
solutions
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solution
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of
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to
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 education is the best way to diminish
this
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 phenomenon.
First,
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the advertisement of the
me
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apply
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image
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 of young thin
women
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 can lead to the discrimination of
women
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 by other
people
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, especially in men's
minds
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. The
image
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 of
women
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 with thin bodies and young faces is now becoming more and more common, thereby claiming that a thin body is a standard for
women
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.
This
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 is the reason that some men look at an
oversize
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oversized
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 woman as an ugly person.
Besides
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, looking at
this
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image
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 can create a lack of self-confidence in
women
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. Some
women
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 will be shy about their bodies and they compel themselves to do exercise to reduce weight, thereby increasing the pressure on
women
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.
For instance
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, the
image
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 of thin
women
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 going to the gym urges
women
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 to go there and do more exercise to keep lean and
also
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 to be more confident in the crowd. What is the best solution to solve
this
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 issue? In my perspective, education is the answer. We could raise the campaigns to educate
women
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 to be confident in themselves; they should invest in their work and happiness rather than think a lot about their bodies.
And we
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We
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 should
also
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 teach other
people
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 not to assess
women
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 by their appearance; we should look at their value and their
achievement
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achievements
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. Another suggestion for
this
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 issue is promoting the
image
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 of
oversize
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oversized
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women
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. Zara,
for example
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, produces clothes for
big size
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big-size
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people
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, and they market these products by uploading pictures of
women
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 who are wearing these clothes.
Therefore
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,
this
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 approach can enhance the
overall
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image
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 of
women
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.
To sum up
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, the promotion of the
image
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 of young thin
women
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 has a negative impact on
human's
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human
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minds
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 and the thinking of
people
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 about
women
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.
Women
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 are beautiful with their
minds
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 and their hearts rather than their images. We should focus on educating
people
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 to create equal views for everyone, especially
women
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.

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task achievement
The main ideas are present but could be further developed with additional supporting details and examples. Try to include more specific examples and elaborate on them to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on ensuring that each paragraph logically flows to the next. Each paragraph should have a clear central idea that relates directly to the essay question. Use more cohesive devices to link your ideas smoothly.
general
Some sentences and word choices could be clearer. Ensuring accurate grammar and precise vocabulary can enhance the essay’s clarity and readability.
introduction
The introduction clearly states the topic and your position on it, giving a good start to the essay.
structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion.
task completion
You have addressed the key points of the task by identifying problems and suggesting solutions, which demonstrates a good understanding of the prompt.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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