IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Over the last few decades, the media has promoted the image of young thin women as being ideal. What problems has this caused? What solutions can you suggest for this issue?

#decades #media #image #women
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In recent years, the media has been developing as a vehicle to connect
people
Use synonyms
 with each other and
also
Linking Words
 to propagandize information. The
image
Use synonyms
 of young thin
women
Use synonyms
 is promoted as an ideal
image
Use synonyms
 for
women
Use synonyms
 to pursue.
This
Linking Words
 problem can cause shaming in everybody's
minds
Use synonyms
 about
women
Use synonyms
. In my opinion, the
solutions
Fix the agreement mistake
solution
show examples
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 education is the best way to diminish
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon.
First,
Linking Words
the advertisement of the
me
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
image
Use synonyms
 of young thin
women
Use synonyms
 can lead to the discrimination of
women
Use synonyms
 by other
people
Use synonyms
, especially in men's
minds
Use synonyms
. The
image
Use synonyms
 of
women
Use synonyms
 with thin bodies and young faces is now becoming more and more common, thereby claiming that a thin body is a standard for
women
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 is the reason that some men look at an
oversize
Correct word choice
oversized
show examples
 woman as an ugly person.
Besides
Linking Words
, looking at
this
Linking Words
image
Use synonyms
 can create a lack of self-confidence in
women
Use synonyms
. Some
women
Use synonyms
 will be shy about their bodies and they compel themselves to do exercise to reduce weight, thereby increasing the pressure on
women
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, the
image
Use synonyms
 of thin
women
Use synonyms
 going to the gym urges
women
Use synonyms
 to go there and do more exercise to keep lean and
also
Linking Words
 to be more confident in the crowd. What is the best solution to solve
this
Linking Words
 issue? In my perspective, education is the answer. We could raise the campaigns to educate
women
Use synonyms
 to be confident in themselves; they should invest in their work and happiness rather than think a lot about their bodies.
And we
Correct word choice
We
show examples
 should
also
Linking Words
 teach other
people
Use synonyms
 not to assess
women
Use synonyms
 by their appearance; we should look at their value and their
achievement
Fix the agreement mistake
achievements
show examples
. Another suggestion for
this
Linking Words
 issue is promoting the
image
Use synonyms
 of
oversize
Correct word choice
oversized
show examples
women
Use synonyms
. Zara,
for example
Linking Words
, produces clothes for
big size
Add a hyphen
big-size
show examples
people
Use synonyms
, and they market these products by uploading pictures of
women
Use synonyms
 who are wearing these clothes.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 approach can enhance the
overall
Linking Words
image
Use synonyms
 of
women
Use synonyms
.
To sum up
Linking Words
, the promotion of the
image
Use synonyms
 of young thin
women
Use synonyms
 has a negative impact on
human's
Change noun form
human
show examples
minds
Use synonyms
 and the thinking of
people
Use synonyms
 about
women
Use synonyms
.
Women
Use synonyms
 are beautiful with their
minds
Use synonyms
 and their hearts rather than their images. We should focus on educating
people
Use synonyms
 to create equal views for everyone, especially
women
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by debora.scott on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The main ideas are present but could be further developed with additional supporting details and examples. Try to include more specific examples and elaborate on them to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on ensuring that each paragraph logically flows to the next. Each paragraph should have a clear central idea that relates directly to the essay question. Use more cohesive devices to link your ideas smoothly.
general
Some sentences and word choices could be clearer. Ensuring accurate grammar and precise vocabulary can enhance the essay’s clarity and readability.
introduction
The introduction clearly states the topic and your position on it, giving a good start to the essay.
structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion.
task completion
You have addressed the key points of the task by identifying problems and suggesting solutions, which demonstrates a good understanding of the prompt.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
    What to do next:
    Look at other essays: