the graph below the number of shops that closed and the number of shops that opened in one country between 2011 and 2018

The graph illustrates the
number
of new
shops
and the
number
of
shops
closed in a specific country during the given period.
Overall
, it can be seen from the graph that the percentage of closed
shops
dominated thoroughly, except for two years. At the beginning of the period, there were more newly opened
shops
than closed ones, which were approximately 8500 and about 6200 interns. During the following year, the
number
of new
shops
experienced a noticeable fall,
while
the
number
of closed stores slightly changed, to 6000. The proportion of closing
shops
reached its peak in 2013 at just above 7000.
In addition
, their proportions were approximately the same, which was around 6200.
Moreover
, during the following year,
although
their rate followed a similar
number
of closed
shops
underwent a sharp decrease from around 6200 to about 700, which was the lowest rate. Until the end of the period, their percentages experienced fluctuations and
at the end
of the trend, the
number
of closed
shops
was just above 5000 and the figure for new stores was 3000.
Submitted by ieltswritingband99 on

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task achievement
The essay should provide a more detailed introductory sentence that sets context for the reader.
task achievement
Ensure the numbers and statistics used in the essay are accurate and comprehensive, with proper units where applicable.
coherence cohesion
The essay would benefit from a clear and concise conclusion that summarizes the main trends and provides an insightful closing statement.
coherence cohesion
Use clear paragraphing to separate different ideas and descriptions to enhance readability and logical flow.
task achievement
The essay addresses both the opening and closing of shops, maintaining focus on the central topic.
general
Good use of comparative language to illustrate trends and changes over time.
task achievement
Describes the peak and lowest points effectively, providing a clear picture of the trends.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • trend
  • fluctuation
  • peak
  • decline
  • surge
  • stabilize
  • correlation
  • economic conditions
  • consumer behavior
  • technological advancements
  • urban development
  • employment
  • retail sector
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