IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that the best way to produce a happier society is to ensure that there are only small differences between the richest and the poorest members. To what extent do you agree or disagree? [778]

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Closing the differences between the upper class and the working class is believed to be the optimal approach to
breed
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breeding
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 a happier society. There is little to disagree about
this
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 statement, which I will elaborate on later.
First,
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a yawning economic gap is the root cause of social resentment. The majority of US wealth,
for example
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, is concentrated
at
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in
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 the top
1-percent
Correct your spelling
1 per cent
 of its population, leaving the lower classes a tiny portion of
cash
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the cash
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.
This
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 hierarchical imbalance tends to affect other aspects of the working class’s life as well,
such
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 as their living conditions and education, thereby lowering their social mobility. The impoverished,
therefore
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,
tends
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tend
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 to get stuck in the vicious cycle of poverty. Bridging the aforementioned gaps can help mitigate the concomitant issues of poverty, including
a
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apply
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poor well-being and extreme social evils, which can bring about a higher level of social satisfaction. To add
further
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 credence to my notion, I note the fact that the richest citizens
also
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 suffer from these systematic differences. To explain, as a way of stabilizing their social and financial status, the
upper class
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upper-class
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 members are often
pressurized
Verb problem
pressured
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 to pursue the best education and compete for the highest-paying job position. With these prestigious conditions come
overwhelming
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an overwhelming
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 workload and deteriorating mental health.
This
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 is substantiated by the reality that the majority of
wealthiest
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the wealthiest
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 individuals claim to develop intense workaholism and have low life satisfaction. In conclusion, keeping hierarchical differences subtle can do
huge
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apply
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wonders for almost every member of the population’s mental health and happiness.

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task achievement
Your introduction is clear and sets up your argument well, but you could strengthen it by outlining the specific points you will discuss in the body paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is generally well-organized, adding a slight transition between the paragraphs can improve the overall flow of your argument.
task achievement
Consider expanding on some of your points, particularly in the second body paragraph, to give a more comprehensive explanation of how the richest are affected by the economic gap.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are logically organized, making your overall argument clear and easy to follow.
task achievement
Your use of examples such as the US wealth distribution effectively supports your argument and makes it more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Both the introduction and conclusion are present and effectively frame your argument, providing a clear starting and ending point.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • income inequality
  • distribution of wealth
  • social cohesion
  • social unrest
  • crime rates
  • economic equality
  • overall well-being
  • health outcomes
  • education outcomes
  • motivation
  • innovation
  • equal opportunities
  • wealth redistribution
  • economic growth
  • productivity
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