IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Holding international game Such as Olympic games is an exciting event. Some people think it has positive effect while others argue it is waste of money. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#game #olympic #games #event #people #effect #waste #money
Nowadays there are many competitions
helding
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held
 around the world
such
 as
Correct article usage
the Olympic
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Olympic
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Olympics
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 that every
people
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person
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believe
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believes
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 that it has a pros impact
in
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on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society.
However
, others see that
its
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it is
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unnecessary
Correct article usage
an unnecessary
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 event and
waste
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a waste
show examples
 of money.I firmly believe that the statement that supports the
events
has
Verb problem
is
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 more beneficial to the
community's
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communities
community
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.
On
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In
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 one word,There is a significant
reasons
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reason
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 why
people
 think that international
events
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events are
events were
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 more protective.First of all, these types of
events
 can encourage
people
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people's
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intreast
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interest
 and
person
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personal
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 ability.
For example
,every individual in the world has skills that there really good at
it
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apply
show examples
so if the government supports their intelligence and
do
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does
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 some
activites
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activities
 in order to help them to improve and enhance their abilities.
Additionally
, it will help the society to improve economically, and all tourists want to
visits
Wrong verb form
visit
show examples
 to watch these
events
.
On the other hand
, some communities believe that it wasting of
moneys
Change the wording
money
amounts of money
sums of money
show examples
 and time. To
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begin
bigen
Correct your spelling
begin
 with,
people
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 more
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responsibilities
resbonsibilites
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responsibilities
 to do
such
 as academic work and career
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apply
show examples
to
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apply
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development so
not
Add the comma(s)
, not
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 everybody
have
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has
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 the time to participate in these
events
 or even watch
Correct pronoun usage
them
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it
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them
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.
Moreover
, nowadays individuals aim to get high masters
instead
 of
involved
Add a missing verb
being involved
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 in games.
For instance
, all my
family
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family's
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 goals
to
Add a missing verb
are to
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 get into
univarstiy
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university
 and get
high
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a high
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creer
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career
 and
high
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higher
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 education including me.
To conclude
,
This
types
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type
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 of
discussions
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discussion
show examples
 depends on the
person
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person's
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believes
Replace the word
beliefs
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,but the majority of communities are with to hold games and
every one
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everyone
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 in each country
has
Verb problem
is
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 involved in these
events
. Personally, I
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
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 that holding
this
Change the determiner
this event
these events
show examples
events
 not only will help the individuals to discover and
develp
Correct your spelling
develop
 their skills but
also
 will help the society to
growth
Replace the word
grow
show examples
.
Submitted by aledailah2003 on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, make sure to connect your ideas with appropriate linking words. For example, using phrases like 'on the other hand' instead of 'on one word' can create clearer transitions between different parts of your argument.
task achievement
Try to include more detailed examples to support your points. For instance, provide specific instances of how international events have positively impacted local economies or how people have benefited from such events.
coherence cohesion
Review basic grammar and spelling rules to improve sentence construction. Errors such as 'holding' instead of 'held' and 'protective' instead of 'productive' can affect readability.
task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and sufficient development to fully cover that idea. This makes your argument more compelling and easier to follow.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction and conclusion do a good job of framing the debate and expressing your own opinion clearly.
complete response
You have done well in including points on both sides of the argument, showing a balanced view before concluding with your own opinion.
clear comprehensive ideas
The essay demonstrates an understanding of both perspectives regarding international events, which is crucial for a comprehensive discussion.
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