IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people think that employers should not care about the way their employees dress because what matters is the quality of their work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #employers #care #employees #dress #matters #quality #work
It is argued that employers should make
rules
 for the dressing of employees or they are free to choose their
clothes
 and employers should focus on their efficiency. In my opinion,
although
 people are free to choose their
clothes
, in the official environment should
be existed
Wrong verb form
exist
show examples
 cloth law.
Firstly
, some individuals believe that they are the only one who makes decisions about their
clothes
.
This
 opinion is
due to
 the fact that they believe choosing the garment is a private decision, so individuals can decide on their dress in each situation, and the
workplace
 is one of these.
Hence
, employers should not disrupt their privacy by generating
rules
 for their
clothes
.
In addition
, they encourage the freedom of human in their lives
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and selecting work
clothes
 is one of them. It means that humans are much more intelligent in selecting their suitable
clothes
 for each place ,
while
 findings show that people tend to behave in order to their ambitions
instead
 of considering the group beneficial, so in my perspective, considering the
workplace
 as a big group, there should be specific
rules
 to preserve irregularities.
On the other hand
, the office is a formal place.
Due to
 the fact that the organizations need an official environment, it is important to make
rules
 for each contributing
elements
Fix the agreement mistake
element
show examples
.
Therefore
, employees as an important part of the organization should obey the related
rules
 including the type of
clothes
 laws. Meanwhile, personnel should dress formally in their
workplace
 to reduce capturing other colleague' attention and concentrate on their performance. In my opinion, establishing
rules
 for dressing in the
workplace
 not only will create an array but
also
 improve workers` functionality. In conclusion,
although
 choosing the dress is a private decision, I believe that organizations should have specific
rules
 for dressing workers to enhance both their efficiency and organizational array.
Submitted by n.fallahi327 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

relevant specific examples
Although your essay covers both sides of the argument, try to provide more specific examples or case studies to enhance the strength of your main points. Specific examples make your argument more convincing and relatable.
clear comprehensive ideas
Pay attention to grammatical accuracy and sentence structure. There were a few minor errors that slightly detract from the overall readability. For example, phrases like 'should be existed cloth law' should be revised to 'there should be a dress code.'
introduction conclusion present
You have presented a clear introduction that outlines the main argument and concluded effectively, summarizing your stance on the issue. This is a strong point in terms of structuring your essay.
logical structure
The essay maintains a logical structure, with each paragraph addressing a specific aspect of the argument. This enhances the overall coherence and cohesion of your essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • dress code
  • professional attire
  • workplace culture
  • productivity
  • branding
  • perception
  • creativity
  • equality
  • bias
  • discrimination
  • first impressions
  • freedom of expression
  • quality of work
  • skill set
  • professionalism
  • comfort
  • clientele
  • stakeholders
  • competence
  • formal attire
What to do next:
Look at other essays: