IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that humans should be able to use animals for their own benefits, while others argue that the rights of animals should be protected. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Animals
Use synonyms
 are a key factor in different aspects of all creatures, not only
human
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humans
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 but
also
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 plants.
Due to
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 the fact that they are on the verge of extinction, some people believe that they should not
being
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be
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 subjected to the desires of human beings.
However
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, some conflict with
this
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 notion and benefit from
Use synonyms
animals’
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animals
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 products.
This
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 essay will express both views and reveal my orientation towards these statements. The vital role of
animals
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 in human beings’ lives is universally acknowledged.
Animals
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 provide some of
the
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apply
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mankind’s necessities, which are crucial nutrients.
That is
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, they are known as the source of some essential proteins
in
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apply
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which people require
them
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apply
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to survive. Despite the fact that vegetables could be altered with them, it has been scientifically proven that vitamins and proteins in plants could not be a substitute for
the
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apply
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beef and ham.
Hence
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, humans’ lives entail consuming meat. Worth
to mention
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mentioning
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 that recently insects as a substitute for
the
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apply
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meat
are
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have been
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 widely endorsed,
however
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, it does not change the subject of animal consumption.
On the contrary
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, these creatures are acknowledged as a finite source on the earth the same as the other natural resources. To extend
it
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apply
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,
in addition
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 to the sympathy for enduring painful imposed action on them, they
also
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 have an essential effect on the ecosystem and food chain. The excess consumption of them could threaten not only just
animals
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 but
also
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 mankind. Bees’ effects are a case in point. It is examined that the extinction of bees endangers other plants’ lives
due to
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 their strong connection.
Although
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 generally, predators hunt other creatures,
this
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 is not comparable with the humans’ excess consumption,
such
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 as
foods
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food
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, clothes, medical research and
test
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tests
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. In conclusion, the dependency of humans on
animals
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 is unavoidable.
However
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,
on
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to
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 the best of my knowledge, reducing the unnecessary use of them could be beneficial to preserve and avoid
the
Correct article usage
apply
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extinction.

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specific examples
Consider elaborating on specific examples to strengthen your argument. For instance, you can mention specific studies that highlight the nutritional benefits of animal products or detail particular instances of animal usage in medical research.
ideas development
Ensure all ideas are fully developed. Some paragraphs contain general statements that would benefit from further elaboration, such as the point about insects as meat substitutes.
grammar and clarity
Make sure to thoroughly revise sentences for grammar and clarity. Some sentences are long and complex, which can obscure meaning. Simple, clear sentences can be more impactful.
task response
Good attempt at balancing both views, showing a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
organization
Introduction and conclusion are well-defined, which helps in providing a clear structure to the essay.
coherence and cohesion
The use of transitional phrases such as 'On the contrary' helps to logically connect ideas between paragraphs.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • animal rights
  • exploitation
  • ethical considerations
  • biodiversity
  • ecosystem balance
  • animal welfare
  • suffering
  • humane treatment
  • medical research
  • environmental sustainability
  • natural food chain
  • technological alternatives
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