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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the number of books read by men and women in Burnby Public Library from 2011 to 2014

The graph below shows the number of books read by men and women in Burnby Public Library from 2011 to 2014
The graph compares the
number
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 of
books
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 read by
men
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 and
women
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 at a public library during a period of 4 years.
Overall
Linking Words
, we can see the
number
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 of
books
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 read by
men
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 saw a
sigfinicant
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significant
 increase since 2012 and it
overtooks
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overlooks
overtook
 the amount of
book
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books
show examples
 read by
women
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 in 2013. A more detailed look at the graph reveals, in 2011
women
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 read more
book
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books
show examples
 than
man
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men
show examples
, around 4500
compare
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compared
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 to 2500. From 2011 until 2012 both figures increased but
Correct article usage
the woman
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woman
Change noun form
woman's
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 figure increased with a sharper slope. In 2012
women
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 read about 8000 which is twice as much as
men
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 reading. From 2012 to 2013
men
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's
figure
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figures
show examples
 dramatically
while
Linking Words
women
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's
figure
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figures
show examples
 gradually increased, as
the
Correct article usage
a
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 result
men
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 increased
study
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studies
show examples
 filled the gap between the line and in 2013 both
men
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 and
women
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 read the same
number
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 of
books
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, 10000
books
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.
However
Linking Words
, from 2013 to 2014
women
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 started to read
less
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fewer
show examples
books
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 and by 2014
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
women
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 read about 6500, which shows
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women
Change noun form
women's
show examples
 reading declined
around
Change preposition
by around
show examples
 3500 from its peak. The
number
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 of
books
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 read by
men
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 continued increasing and it
reaches
Wrong verb form
reached
show examples
 its peak, 14000
books
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 in 2014.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, books, men, women with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "compares" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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