IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that watching movies and TV shows is a waste of time, while others think it is a valuable way to relax and learn. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #movies #tv #waste #time
In
modern
Add an article
the modern
show examples
 world, films and series are peoples’
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
entertainments
Fix the agreement mistake
entertainment
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 and they dedicate their money and
time
 to
watch
Wrong verb form
watching
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 various TV shows.
While
 some have a perspective that
such
action
Fix the agreement mistake
actions
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 do not have any
advantageous
Replace the word
advantages
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,
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 believe that it is a beneficial hobby for societies to learn and enjoy their
time
. I agree with the second group and both viewpoints will be argued in the following paragraphs. As
it is
Verb problem
apply
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mentioned above, a group of
people
 claim that watching
movies
 and TV
bear
Verb problem
has
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 negative impacts on their lives, and they can do other activities which are more beneficial;
for instance
, reading books or listening to podcasts which increase their general knowledge.
On the other hand
, they believe peoples’ attitudes will be poisoned by films which are aimed to be destructive for diverse items
such
 as cultures, beliefs, lifestyles and outfits.
Besides
, many political sponsors will pay producers to advertise their policies;
this
 action is an unethical way to gain acceptance in communities. Others and I,
in contrast
, opine that
people
 will be aware
about
Change the preposition
of
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 different subjects like science, history and art by watching different genres of
movies
 and series.
Moreover
,
film makers
Correct your spelling
film-makers
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 try to express
societies
Replace the word
societal
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 issues
by
Change preposition
through
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 their artistic taste which
influence
Correct subject-verb agreement
influences
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 stronger, and may push governments to solve problems.
In addition
, watching
movies
encourage
Correct subject-verb agreement
encourages
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people
 to debate which is a vital factor for
civilizations
Change noun form
civilizations'
civilization's
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 progress; conversations will be formed about
characters
Fix the agreement mistake
character
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analyzes
Replace the word
analysis
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, particular scenes and film critics which
open
Correct subject-verb agreement
opens
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 new visions in different aspects. In brief, there are two viewpoints; from one opinion, spending
time
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching
movies
has no
Verb problem
is not
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 advantageous; from another, it helps
people
 to learn in a specific way. I agree with the first group and I hold an opinion which
express
Change the verb form
expresses
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 that
people
 not only enjoy their
time
 when they watch TV shows, but
also
 they earn valuable data.
Submitted by shaghayegh95shadman on

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Coherence and cohesion
To enhance the coherence and cohesion of your essay, work on ensuring that all sentences within each paragraph connect smoothly and logically. Some parts of your essay provide good transitions, but others feel a bit disjointed. Signpost the main points more clearly when moving from one idea to the next.
Task response
Ensure that your arguments are fully developed and supported with specific examples. Currently, the essay provides a decent breadth of arguments but lacks depth in specific instances. Including relevant examples will strengthen your main points and demonstrate your perspective clearly.
Task response
Clarify your thesis statement in the introduction to better reflect the content of your essay. Your conclusion appears contradictory; rephrase to ensure it aligns with the arguments made in the essay.
Clear comprehensive ideas
To improve clarity, break down complex sentences and avoid overly complicated structures. This will help make your points clearer and more understandable.
Coherence and cohesion
Proofread your essay to correct minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasings. For example, 'peoples’ favorite entertainments' should be 'people’s favorite forms of entertainment'. Small changes can dramatically improve readability.
Task response
The conclusion seems to contradict the thesis. You mentioned that you agree with the second group but then stated you agree with the first group towards the end. Ensure consistency in your perspectives throughout the essay.
Task achievement
Your essay provides a thorough discussion of both viewpoints, and you give your opinion clearly.
Coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and provide a structure for your essay.
Coherence and cohesion
You employ a variety of sentence structures and vocabulary, which enhances the readability of your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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