IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that children today are not as fit and healthy as in the past. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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In
this
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 technological epoch, staying fit and healthy is a grave concern. People are of the view that juveniles are no longer healthy, as they used to be in former centuries. I contend that there are various causes that lead to a lethargic
life
Use synonyms
. I will discuss
later
Correct pronoun usage
this later
show examples
 in the segments.
First,
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the influence of social media in one’s
life
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. Youth spend excessive time on social media platforms
such
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 as
Youtube
Correct your spelling
YouTube
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, Instagram, Tiktok, and Twitter, which
deteriorate
Correct subject-verb agreement
deteriorates
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 physical and mental
health
Use synonyms
.
According to
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 the World
Health
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 Organization (WHO),
for example
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, since the introduction of gadgets around 70% of the youth around the world experience an unhealthy
life
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
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, the importance of exercising regularly should not be disregarded as frivolous because it augments physical fitness and cardiac activities.
Therefore
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, effective steps must be taken to minimize the use of social media.
Furthermore
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, busy work schedules cause
ro
Correct your spelling
to
pay
Add the particle
to pay
show examples
 less heed
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fitness. Children spend most of their time in school followed up by
tuitions
Fix the agreement mistake
tuition
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, which exacerbates
health
Use synonyms
. Homework and assignment compilations
adds
Change the verb form
add
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 pressure and
hence
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 a child is unable to focus on his
health
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. Reports from the USA state that students find it difficult to manage their fitness with studies because they are swamped with workload.
Moreover
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,
school
Add an article
the school
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 lacks sports curricula, which
improves
Correct subject-verb agreement
improve
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 students' intellectual and muscular abilities. It is significant to know that a student's
health
Use synonyms
 matters the most to perform better in studies. If not it leads to diseases
such
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 as obesity, hypertension and high cholesterol levels, which,
inturn
Correct your spelling
in turn
show examples
, is deleterious to
health
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 and affects academics. To recapitulate, it is imperative that students'
health
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 must not be ignored;
otherwise
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, it will deter later in
life
Use synonyms
.
In addition
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,it is suggested that institutions and parents should work together to ensure that their child has a healthy lifestyle.

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task response
You have addressed the prompt well by providing relevant points and examples. However, there is room for improvement in the precision and support of your arguments to strengthen your response further.
coherence and cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider using more varied linking phrases to transition between ideas and paragraphs smoothly. Ensure all supporting points directly relate to your thesis statement.
introduction conclusion
Your introduction effectively sets the stage for your argument, and your conclusion aptly summarizes your position while providing a clear call-to-action.
logical structure
The essay is logically structured with clear paragraphs that each address a specific point related to the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen time
  • fast food
  • childhood obesity
  • poor nutrition
  • physical education
  • urbanization
  • safety concerns
  • indoor activities
  • outdoor activities
  • health awareness
  • fitness programs
  • exercise routines
  • dietary habits
  • academic priorities
What to do next:
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