IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
These
Change the determiner
This
show examples
 day's more and more
people
Use synonyms
 talking about
Correct article usage
the improvment
show examples
improvment
Correct your spelling
improvement
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 public
health
Use synonyms
. Some
people
Use synonyms
 think that the best
way
Use synonyms
 of improving public
health
Use synonyms
 by
sports
Use synonyms
 facilities
while
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 believe that
this
Linking Words
 is not a good
way
Use synonyms
 to
make
Verb problem
have
show examples
best
Change the article
the best
show examples
 effect
its
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 only
little
Correct word choice
a small
show examples
 amount of
benifit
Correct your spelling
benefit
benefits
. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 will examine both sides of the
benifit
Correct your spelling
benefit
benefits
 and give my
overall
Linking Words
 opinion.
Body · 1
Our most important thing is our
health
Use synonyms
 but we are not serious about our
health
Use synonyms
. Nowadays some
people
Use synonyms
 take it
seiously
Correct your spelling
seriously
 and try to think about it.
Little
Add an article
A little
The little
show examples
 amount of
people
Use synonyms
think
Change the verb form
thinks
show examples
 that the
bes
Correct your spelling
best
way
Use synonyms
 to improve public
health
Use synonyms
 is by improving the number of
sprots
Correct your spelling
sports
spots
facilites
Correct your spelling
facilities
. By increasing
sprots facilites
Correct your spelling
sports facilities
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will be
benificial
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 for
new
Correct article usage
the new
show examples
genaration
Correct your spelling
generation
cause
Correct word choice
because
show examples
 they are energetic but older
people
Use synonyms
 are not comfortable with
sports
Use synonyms
. As an example
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
last
Linking Words
year
Add a comma
year,
show examples
 BBC published that one
60 years old
Correct your spelling
60-year-old
 guy
dead
Replace the word
died
show examples
 after
play
Change the verb form
playing
show examples
 football in
ground
Add an article
the ground
show examples
.
Body · 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, a hand of
people
Use synonyms
beleive
Correct your spelling
believe
 that
sports
Use synonyms
 is not a proper solution and they prefer more measures are important there.
Frist
Correct your spelling
First
show examples
 we need to focus on our food. In
this
Linking Words
mordern
Correct your spelling
modern
 era
people
Use synonyms
able
Add a missing verb
are able
show examples
 to count the calory so they can easily take their needy amount of calory. In recent
time
Fix the agreement mistake
times
show examples
 an
artical
Correct your spelling
article
 published
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
online a 100
years
Fix the agreement mistake
year
show examples
lady
Rephrase
ago lady
show examples
keep
Correct subject-verb agreement
keeps
show examples
 fit by
taking
Verb problem
eating
show examples
 good food and
exercise
Wrong verb form
exercising
show examples
. So
this
Linking Words
 is
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
another
mathod
Correct your spelling
method
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
show examples
be follow
Change the verb form
be followed
show examples
.
Conclusion
In
conclution
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, I
also
Linking Words
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
 that
sports
Use synonyms
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 not only a good
way
Use synonyms
 to improve public
health
Use synonyms
 but
this
Linking Words
 is beneficial. We need to do more research on it and try to
developed
Change the verb
develop
show examples
 our public
health
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
Your essay generally addresses the task but could benefit from a clearer structure. Make sure to cover both views comprehensively and back your opinions with relevant examples.
task achievement
The ideas presented need more elaboration to be fully clear and comprehensive. Try to extend your explanations with more specific details and examples.
coherence cohesion
There are some grammatical errors and incorrect word choices that affect clarity. Review your grammar, particularly subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, which is good. However, enhance the introduction by clearly stating what the essay will cover and refine the conclusion to summarize your main points effectively.
coherence cohesion
Use more transition words and phrases to better connect your ideas and ensure a more seamless flow from one point to the next.
task achievement
It's good that you have structured your essay into paragraphs, each dealing with a specific point or perspective.
task achievement
The essay shows an attempt to present multiple viewpoints and give a personal opinion, which is great for addressing the task comprehensively.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
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