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Band 6

People are encouraged to get rid of things in order to get newest fashion and the latest Technology.Do the disadvantage of this trend outweigh its advantage.

#people #fashion #technology #trend #advantage
These days,
things
 could impact our personality in every aspect of our lives. So some
people
 think that throwing the old
things
, even sometimes the newest stuff, is a good thing to be updated with the latest fashion.
This
 essay will discuss both sides and draw my personal conclusion. On
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
 hand, new and old stuff has an incredible effect on our money.
Firstly
, there are a lot of markets now publishing new versions of the thing I have,
for instance
, apple firm released a new
phone
 They shut down the old version of the
phone
 you have, and after that, you will have problems with your device they force you to purchase the latest
phone
 they have.
Therefore
 it is your turn to learn new skills about hacking
also
 information technology. Learning cybersecurity will assist you in protecting and improving your
phone
 against the companies.
On the other hand
, Some
people
 would love to have the chance to try new
things
, and that category will be hunting from the firms,
In other words
, referring back to what I said, waiting for the brand new of everything.
Also
, they like those
people
 because they let them acquire a lot of money they called the Consumers they got more common
while
 the market was full of new
things
 undiscovered.
In addition
, I believe these kinds of
things
 are not helping the economy of the country
according to
 a renowned economic magazine published that the percentage of
people
 buying new
things
 has
raised
Verb problem
risen
show examples
 in the past few years. In conclusion, after a careful analysis of both the advantages and disadvantages, we found that they are almost the same: new or old stuff can be beneficial or harmful for our lives.
Submitted by fnokgamer11 on

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task achievement
Your task response is quite strong, as you have attempted to address both sides of the argument. However, try to delve a bit deeper into specific advantages and disadvantages. Including more specific examples will help make your arguments more solid and persuasive.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, try to better structure your paragraphs. Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea, and use linking phrases to connect your points logically. This will enhance the logical flow of your essay.
supported main points
To better support your main points, you may want to include more detailed and specific examples and explanations. This will not only help to illustrate your arguments but also make them more convincing.
introduction conclusion present
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the points discussed in your essay and provides a balanced viewpoint on the topic, which gives it a comprehensive feel.
task achievement
You have made an effort to address both sides of the argument, which shows an understanding of the topic's complexity.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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