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Writing Samples
Band 6

Nowadays, more and more jobs and tasks are done by machines which involve hard physical work. Do the positive effects of this trend outweigh the negative effects?

#jobs #tasks #machines #work #effects #trend
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Today many
jobs
 that require a heavy physical strength are automated by machines. I believe that
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
show examples
 like more productive
work
 and
less
Correct word choice
lower
show examples
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
costs
 of
this
 trend overshadow its drawbacks. Some
people
 argue that automation can lead to
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
job loss. Many
people
 make
living
Correct article usage
a living
show examples
 by working in physically demanding
jobs
 like construction. They
work
 all day to carry heavy bricks across a construction field.
This
 action takes too much time and energy. Some
companies
 may decide to use advanced vehicles to facilitate their
jobs
. The usage of new technology in
this
 field can make their
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 redundant and, their
companies
 can lay them off.
However
,
this
 issue can be addressed by teaching those
people
 different skills that can make them valuable in other disciplines.
For example
, countries may start new programs to help those
people
 to learn various professions like engineering, Data Analyst,
teacher
Replace the word
teaching
show examples
 and so on.
Consequently
,
people
 who are in need can acquire invaluable skills, and
companies
 can
better
Add a missing verb
be better
show examples
 off with more
efficent
Correct your spelling
efficient
work
. I think that innovative technologies can bring more benefits.
Firstly
, the job process will be more productive. Before if you need ten workers to lift bricks in construction, now three of them will be sufficient. The rest of the
work
 will be taken care of by automated vehicles.
Secondly
,
companies
 will minimize their operating
costs
 like salary
costs
. Today
jobs
 that depend on the power of
people
 can cost workplaces a lot since they have to spend money on advertising a job vacancy and paying a recruiter.
Additionally
, they have to pay salaries and insurance
costs
 for each employee once they
hired
Wrong verb form
hire
show examples
 them.
Therefore
, it can mitigate their financial burden. In conclusion, the
utiliziation
Correct your spelling
utilization
utilisation
 of automatic machines is
benefical
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 for most businesses as they can boost
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
productivity at
work
 and alleviate
companies
' financial
costs
. .
Submitted by Narmin on

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General
Despite minor grammatical errors and some awkward phrasing, your ideas are clear and well-expressed. Try to refine these areas for a more polished essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider organizing your paragraphs into more distinct parts: one for the thesis statement, one for each point supporting your main argument, and a conclusion paragraph.
Task Response
Your essay addresses the question well, discussing both positive and negative points. However, providing more specific examples and data would strengthen your arguments even further.
Task Response
Your introduction sets a clear and concise thesis statement, which is great.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarises your main points, reinforcing your argument quite well.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure, with well-defined paragraphs for different points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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