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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Unemployment remains the biggest challenge to school-leavers* in most countries’ •How far do you agree with this assessment? What other challenges face young people today?

#unemployment #challenge #school-leavers* #countries’ #•how #challenges #face #people
Many people believe that going on an appropriate
job
 after graduating from school is a significant challenge- added to many others- faced by
individuals
 at that age. I fully agree with
this
 agreement, I graduated recently and was passing -like all my peers- through a long sufficient period before getting the appropriate
job
.
On the other hand
, a considerable proportion of fresh school
graduators
Replace the word
graduates
show examples
 spend their time following up and failing
job
 applications seeking a good
job
 opportunity,
while
 many of them will not get it easy and might need to wait months. In 2022, in one developing country the percentage of unemployed school-levers after the first year of graduating was 16%.
On the other hand
, those who have just left their schools, usually, face an unbalanced workforce, where most employees prefer experienced
individuals
.
Therefore
, it is obvious in most employment advertisements ,over several fields, that the minimum required experience is not less than three years.
Additionally
, the shortage of
job
 opportunities is not the sole obstacle for young
individuals
, we can see a considerable percentage of university or school graduates suffer from a lack of social skills which makes them can not engage in the workforce and build relationships with others effectively, and find interact with others a real problem they need to deal with. In conclusion, the lack of
job
 opportunities for young
individuals
 is a significant obstacle
due to
 various reasons
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and is one of a series of issues faced by
this
 age group. Personally, I do agree that
this
 issue causes a considerable challenge for those
individuals
.
Submitted by aalahmad387s on

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language
Your essay would benefit from some language refinement. For example, instead of saying 'passing through a long sufficient period', you could say 'enduring a prolonged period'.
cohesion
Ensure that your points are clearly linked. While your paragraphs are relevant, transitional words and phrases could help improve the flow further. For instance, use 'Moreover' instead of 'On the other hand' when adding similar points.
task achievement
Bring more balance to the argument by acknowledging counter-arguments to the issue of unemployment among school-leavers. This can strengthen your essay by demonstrating a more comprehensive understanding.
introduction
Your introduction is clear and sets up the essay well.
conclusion
Your conclusion beautifully summarises your main points and reinforces your stance.
evidence
Including a specific statistic about unemployment rates adds credibility to your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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