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Band 5.5

some people think that children today are not as fit and healthy as in the past do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #children
The period when
children
 were physically fitter and mentally agile has gone,
in
Correct word choice
and in
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this
 technological
era
Add a comma
era,
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 their deteriorating health is becoming a grave issue of concern. I completely endorse the statement, owing to several reasons, which are going to be elucidated in the upcoming segments.
First
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The first
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 and foremost reason
of
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for
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 unhealthiness among
children
 is technological gizmos. To be more precise, these days offspring are more inclined to use mobile phones, computers, laptops and so on.
Hence
,
children
 have no interest in outdoor activities.
As a result
, they
are becoming
Wrong verb form
become
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 couch potatoes and gain weight, which
also
 reduces
the
Change the word
their
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 stamina
among
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apply
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them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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.
According to
 the World Health Organization,
for instance
, the ratio of unhealthy juveniles has increased by 57% ever since the usage of electronic gadgets was introduced.
Likewise
, the availability and accessibility of fast
food
also
 pave the way to force young people to suffer from diseases like obesity, heart attack, and many more at an early age. By
this
, I mean that one can have an easy approach towards junk foods that are not health-oriented.
Thus
, unhygienic
food
 affects them badly. Not only
this
 but
also
 school
children
 are bound to study for long hours at schools followed by tuition. In
this
 case, they
have
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apply
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lack
of
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apply
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time to do physical activities and it causes a great study burden among them.
However
, some people believe that parents are very concerned about their
children
's health and put efforts into improving their erratic schedules and
food
 habits.
Nevertheless
, guardians themselves are engaged in graveyard shifts and have a lack of time to guide their
children
, and they can't supervise their daily routine which poses a great threat to young one's lifestyles. To recapitulate, I vehemently vouch that there is a myriad of reasons which pose a great threat to the lifestyle of
children
, in terms of technological gadgets, hectic schedule, unawareness of serious consequences of indoor activities, junk
food
, and so on.
Submitted by moon2014angel on

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coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are clear, but the essay would benefit from more concise expressions. Sometimes sentences are a bit long and complex, making it slightly harder to follow.
task achievement
Ensure all main points are equally elaborated and try to provide specific examples for each point that will make your arguments stronger. For instance, mention a specific technological gadget or a specific type of fast food that is particularly harmful.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion that successfully recapitulates the main argument.
task achievement
You have clearly addressed the task, providing reasons and examples to support your point of view.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen time
  • fast food
  • childhood obesity
  • poor nutrition
  • physical education
  • urbanization
  • safety concerns
  • indoor activities
  • outdoor activities
  • health awareness
  • fitness programs
  • exercise routines
  • dietary habits
  • academic priorities
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