IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Olders after retirement spend money on themselves for travels or holidays rather than for their children. Is this positive or negative development.

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Retired older tend to spend the most part of their financial resources on voyages and weekends.
Although
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this
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 improvement will allow older to concentrate on their health and take the rest they deserve after challenging work, It may lead to a lack of financial resources in emergency cases. Olders who are retired and invest
money
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 in themselves
cause
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 positive developments
,
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 since they will not only take a rest after a difficult experience at work but
also
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 consider their healthcare. They will have enough
money
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 to visit another country and cover all their expenses both for adventures and healthcare that are costly.
For example
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, when retired older use their income on themselves, they take qualified healthcare and their life become full of voyages they want but used to not allow before.
Thus
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, soldiers who invest
money
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 in their needs
cause
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 advantages.
On the other hand
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,
this
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 change may
cause
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 drawbacks, since there could be a lack of saved
money
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 in emergency cases.
As a result
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, there would not be
a
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apply
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financial independence both for older and their family members.
For instance
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, when older face difficulties
such
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 as extra health surgeries for family members or similar ones which include spending a huge amount of
money
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, they regret about travels they have made.
Therefore
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, aged individuals who spend financial resources on travel may
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cause
Verb problem
experience
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 disadvantages.
To conclude
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, when aged individuals invest their profit only for themselves, they will have both satisfaction from voyages and regrets about financial dependence in awful
case
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cases
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. If they managed their cash in a more rational way, they would not have challenges.

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coherence cohesion
Try to avoid repetition of the word 'older' and variations thereof. Using synonyms like 'seniors' or 'elderly individuals' can enhance variety, making your essay more engaging.
task achievement
Work on sentence structures and grammatical accuracy to improve clarity and comprehension of your ideas. For example, 'They will have enough money to visit another country and cover all their expenses both for adventures and healthcare that are costly,' could be simplified for better understanding.
introduction conclusion present
You presented a clear introduction and a conclusion, providing a rounded structure to the essay.
complete response
The essay engages with both positive and negative aspects of the topic, which reflects a balanced approach. This is a strong aspect of task achievement.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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