Many parents complain that computer games have no value to their chuldren’s Study. On the contrary , those online games have produced a lot of negative effect on their mental and physical development. What is your opinion
Several parents argue that online
games
have negative
impact Add an article
a negative
in
their children's development. Change preposition
on
Beside
that, people Replace the word
Besides
therefore
believe that computer-based games
have numerous bad sides both mental and physical health. Personally, I agree with this
opinion due to
many
drawbacks produced Correct article usage
the many
from
playing those Change preposition
by
games
.
Users of online games
particularly children tend to lose their
control of Correct pronoun usage
apply
time
. They spend a lot of period of time
only for
completing every stage displayed on Change preposition
apply
game's
dashboard. My youngest sister Correct article usage
the game's
for
example, Add the comma(s)
, for
she
could sit in front of Correct pronoun usage
apply
computer
for roughly five to six hours Add an article
a computer
the computer
for
every single day because of Change preposition
apply
addicted
Add a missing verb
being addicted
video
Fix the infinitive
to video
games
. This
behaviour made her facing
Wrong verb form
face
difficulity
to Correct your spelling
difficulty
devide
her Correct your spelling
divide
decide
time
for learning and playing. The result of this
condition was lowering her grades in school also
distrubing
her relationship with Correct your spelling
disturbing
other
peers.
Change the word
her
In addition
, people might have mental illness due to
unstatisfaction
feeling when fail to pass the next step Correct your spelling
dissatisfaction
on
the game. Another situation which can be faced Change preposition
in
of
players is dropping their health. They dedicate long Change preposition
by
period
to Fix the agreement mistake
periods
stay
and Wrong verb form
staying
sit
on the chair. It causes them Wrong verb form
sitting
fail
to manage Add the particle
to fail
time
to do sport even only for walking or doing simple excercise
.
In conclusion, I agree with Correct your spelling
exercise
exercises
this
statement because several disadventages
can be seen Correct your spelling
disadvantages
easy
Change the word
easily
from
the users of online Change preposition
by
games
. It also
has impactfull
downside in the developing of children's study.Correct your spelling
impactful
Submitted by hikmanurdin04 on
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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear position regarding the negative impacts of online games on children. However, ensure that every idea is fully developed with additional explanations or examples for better clarity.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical connection between sentences and paragraphs to make your essay flow more smoothly. Use more cohesive devices (e.g., moreover, furthermore) to link ideas.
language use
Correct grammatical errors such as subject-verb agreement ('mental illness due to unstatisfaction feeling' should be 'mental illness due to the feeling of dissatisfaction') and misuse of articles (e.g., 'have numerous bad sides both mental and physical health' should be 'have numerous bad sides for both mental and physical health'). These minor corrections can significantly improve readability.
introduction
The essay provides a clear statement of opinion right at the beginning, which lays a strong foundation for the following arguments.
relevant examples
Specific personal examples, such as the mention of your sister, offer strong support for your points and add authenticity to your arguments.
content coverage
An attempt to discuss different aspects of mental and physical impacts shows a thoughtful approach to the topic.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.