IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

Many parents complain that computer games have no value to their chuldren’s Study. On the contrary , those online games have produced a lot of negative effect on their mental and physical development. What is your opinion

#parents #computer #games #value #chuldren’s #study #effect #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Several parents argue that online
games
 have
negative
Add an article
a negative
show examples
 impact
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their children's development.
Beside
Replace the word
Besides
show examples
 that, people
therefore
 believe that computer-based
games
 have numerous bad sides both mental and physical health. Personally, I agree with
this
 opinion
due to
many
Correct article usage
the many
show examples
 drawbacks produced
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 playing those
games
. Users of online
games
 particularly children tend to lose
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
control of
time
. They spend a lot of period of
time
 only
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
completing every stage displayed on
game's
Correct article usage
the game's
show examples
 dashboard. My youngest sister
for
Add the comma(s)
, for
show examples
 example,
she
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
could sit in front of
computer
Add an article
a computer
the computer
show examples
 for roughly five to six hours
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
every single day because of
addicted
Add a missing verb
being addicted
show examples
video
Fix the infinitive
to video
show examples
games
.
This
 behaviour made her
facing
Wrong verb form
face
show examples
difficulity
Correct your spelling
difficulty
 to
devide
Correct your spelling
divide
decide
 her
time
 for learning and playing. The result of
this
 condition was lowering her grades in school
also
distrubing
Correct your spelling
disturbing
 her relationship with
other
Change the word
her
show examples
 peers.
In addition
, people might have mental illness
due to
unstatisfaction
Correct your spelling
dissatisfaction
 feeling when fail to pass the next step
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the game. Another situation which can be faced
of
Change preposition
by
show examples
 players is dropping their health. They dedicate long
period
Fix the agreement mistake
periods
show examples
 to
stay
Wrong verb form
staying
show examples
 and
sit
Wrong verb form
sitting
show examples
 on the chair. It causes them
fail
Add the particle
to fail
show examples
 to manage
time
 to do sport even only for walking or doing simple
excercise
Correct your spelling
exercise
exercises
. In conclusion, I agree with
this
 statement because several
disadventages
Correct your spelling
disadvantages
 can be seen
easy
Change the word
easily
show examples
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 the users of online
games
. It
also
 has
impactfull
Correct your spelling
impactful
 downside in the developing of children's study.
Submitted by hikmanurdin04 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay presents a clear position regarding the negative impacts of online games on children. However, ensure that every idea is fully developed with additional explanations or examples for better clarity.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical connection between sentences and paragraphs to make your essay flow more smoothly. Use more cohesive devices (e.g., moreover, furthermore) to link ideas.
language use
Correct grammatical errors such as subject-verb agreement ('mental illness due to unstatisfaction feeling' should be 'mental illness due to the feeling of dissatisfaction') and misuse of articles (e.g., 'have numerous bad sides both mental and physical health' should be 'have numerous bad sides for both mental and physical health'). These minor corrections can significantly improve readability.
introduction
The essay provides a clear statement of opinion right at the beginning, which lays a strong foundation for the following arguments.
relevant examples
Specific personal examples, such as the mention of your sister, offer strong support for your points and add authenticity to your arguments.
content coverage
An attempt to discuss different aspects of mental and physical impacts shows a thoughtful approach to the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: