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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows the amount of time that 10 – 15-year-olds spend chatting on the Internet and playing on games consoles on an average school day in the UK.

The chart below shows the amount of time that 10 – 15-year-olds spend chatting on the Internet and playing on games consoles on an average school day in the UK.
#amount #time #internet #games #consoles #school #uk
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The bar graph depicts the data
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 how much time
students
Use synonyms
(10 to 15 years old) spend on online communication and computer
games
Use synonyms
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Britain.
Overall
Linking Words
, all
students
Use synonyms
 share
similar
Correct article usage
a similar
show examples
 proportion with regard to chatting on the Internet,
while
Linking Words
 most boys spend playing
games
Use synonyms
 over 4
hours
Use synonyms
. It is noticeable that the figures for all
students
Use synonyms
 chatting online and playing
games
Use synonyms
both
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
are equal around
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
25% and 30% respectively. Girls spend more time
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
chatting on the Internet, with nearly 35% of them taking from 1 to 3
hours
Use synonyms
, and 9% of them over 4
hours
Use synonyms
. The ratio of boys who consume 1 to 3
hours
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 chatting is as same as those who spend less than an hour.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
less
Correct quantifier usage
fewer
show examples
 of them prefer talking online over 4
hours
Use synonyms
. When it comes to playing
games
Use synonyms
, over half of boys spend over 1
Use synonyms
hours
Change to a singular noun
hour
show examples
 on
computer
Add an article
the computer
a computer
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, especially over 10% of them spend over 4
hours
Use synonyms
.
Conversely
Linking Words
, only a tiny group of girls are likely to spend over 4
hours
Use synonyms
 on it,
whereas
Linking Words
 nearly 40%
female
Change preposition
of female
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 play
games
Use synonyms
 console less than an hour.
Submitted by xeyojnn on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words students, games, hours with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • adolescents
  • chatting online
  • games consoles
  • average school day
  • time allocation
  • social interaction
  • gaming habits
  • internet usage
  • preference
  • daily patterns
  • peak times
  • weekdays
  • weekends
  • gender differences
  • trends
  • implications
  • social skills
  • physical health
  • academic performance
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