IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In this technological era, personal information is stored on computers by many companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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In
this
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 contemporary era,
companies
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 and organisations use computers to store personal
information
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.
Following
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this
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 procedure has its own benefits and cons.
This
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 essay intends to discuss their pros and cons. I believe
disadvantages
Correct article usage
the disadvantages
show examples
outruns
Correct subject-verb agreement
outrun
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 the advantages present in
this
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 storing process.
Firstly
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, the main advantage of storing personal
information
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 helps the organization and
companies
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 to build up a product
which is
Verb problem
that
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 would be helpful for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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people because personal
information
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 includes details like health history, interests, family background etcetera. Utilizing
this
Linking Words
information
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 to generate new business statements to
giving
Wrong verb form
give
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 it to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society helps in the building
nation
Change noun form
nation's
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 economy.
In contrast
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, allowing
companies
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 to store personal
information
Use synonyms
 causes issues and leads to
vulnerability
Correct article usage
the vulnerability
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 of the individuals. And
data
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 security for that enormous
data
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 is critical.
Any one
Correct your spelling
Anyone
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 with admin access
are
Change the verb form
is
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 allowed to get
those
Correct determiner usage
that
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data
Use synonyms
.
For instance
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,
such
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data
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 can be theft by hackers for
a
Correct article usage
apply
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monetary gain,
companies
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 can
handover
Correct your spelling
hand over
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 to inappropriate hands for
a
Remove the article
apply
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money.
This
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data
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 can be utilized to blackmail targeted
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
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,
threat
Replace the word
threaten
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 their
life
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, or use
this
Linking Words
information
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 to
infiltered
Verb problem
infiltrate
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individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
Use synonyms
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 which might lead
unexpected
Change preposition
to unexpected
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ending
Fix the agreement mistake
endings
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 to their
life
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. I believe
,
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apply
show examples
 the consequences of storing personal
information
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 in the company can
dangerous
Add a missing verb
be dangerous
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 and disadvantageous.
For instance
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, movie ticket counters in the mall collect
customers
Change noun form
customers'
customer's
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 phone
number
Fix the agreement mistake
numbers
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 as part of the process
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 booking a ticket for the cinema.
Following
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Linking Words
this
Add a comma
this,
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 the collected team can sell
this
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data
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 to the calling centres where they use it for marketing
purpose
Change the noun form
purposes
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 like insurance, bank loans, and credit card offers. Since the phone number is linked with
bank
Add an article
the bank
a bank
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, they can easily fetch the details of the particular
individuals
Change to a genitive case
individual's
individuals'
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 credit report and call them continuously about the offers.
To conclude
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,
although
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 giving personal details to the company might help people in some or the other way,
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
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the
data
Use synonyms
 vulnerability can bring
person’s
Correct article usage
a person’s
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life
Use synonyms
 to danger.
Hence
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 I believe,
disadvantages
Correct article usage
the disadvantages
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outweighs
Change the verb form
outweigh
show examples
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
show examples
.

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Introduction
Try to make your introduction more specific by briefly summarizing the main points you will discuss in the essay. This helps to provide a clear overview for the reader and sets up the structure of your essay effectively.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and uses transitions to connect to the next paragraph smoothly. This creates a logical flow and makes your essay easier to read.
Task Achievement
Add more relevant and specific examples to support your points. This will help to illustrate your arguments and make them more convincing.
Task Achievement
The essay includes a clear thesis statement that states your opinion on the issue. This is essential for a strong task response.
Task Achievement
You have made an attempt to provide both advantages and disadvantages, which shows a balanced approach to the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Each paragraph addresses a separate point, which contributes to the overall structure of the essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • technological era
  • personal information
  • service optimisation
  • tailored advertising
  • personalized services
  • data breaches
  • misuse of information
  • ethical implications
  • explicit consent
  • encryption
  • data protection
  • General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR)
  • security measures
  • legal framework
  • consumer awareness
  • data literacy
  • decentralization
  • blockchain technology
  • convenience
  • privacy
  • digital age
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