IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

It is responsibility of individuals to save and provide for their own retirement. Governments have no obligation to provide this benefit. To what extend to you agree or disagree with these statements?

#responsibility #individuals #retirement #governments #obligation #benefit #statements
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There is no denying the fact that It is the responsibility of individuals to save and provide for their own
retirement
Use synonyms
 Governments have no obligation to provide
this
Linking Words
 benefit.
while
Linking Words
 it is a commonly held belief that the Government should have the responsibility to pay the
retirement
Use synonyms
 for the
people
Use synonyms
. There is no argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that it is a
losser
Correct your spelling
lesser
 topic and the folks should get paid In their period of
retirement
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the issue and the Government followed by the public
people
Use synonyms
.
In other words
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 will have to get paid like the other countries.
In addition
Linking Words
, the country will have to apologise to the
people
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
,
Kingdom
Correct article usage
the Kingdom
show examples
 of Saudi Arabia when they are paying
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
money to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
retirement
Use synonyms
 folks
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
leads
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
everyone is happy. Another point to consider
that
Add a missing verb
is that
show examples
 a successful country will do whatever it takes for the
people
Use synonyms
 who serve
this
Linking Words
 country and pay
or
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
their taxes. It is
also
Linking Words
 possible to say that most of the public
people
Use synonyms
 will not be going to
argument
Replace the word
argue
show examples
 about
this
Linking Words
 subject.
Moreover
Linking Words
, No one will disturb you again about the money because eventually it is your right.
For instance
Linking Words
, countries should follow the United States when the
people
Use synonyms
 ask the government to step aside
while
Linking Words
 others they
were laugh
Change the verb form
were laughing
show examples
. In conclusion, despite
people
Use synonyms
 having different views, I believe that every guy who works and pays the tax and does not have any big problems
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 should be able to get a
retirement
Use synonyms
 salary.
Submitted by fnokgamer11 on

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coherence cohesion
Work on creating a clearer structure for your essay. Make sure to include a strong introduction and conclusion that frame your argument effectively.
task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and is supported by relevant examples or explanations. This will provide clarity and coherence to your argument.
general
Proofread your work to correct small errors and improve the flow. Pay attention to grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure.
task achievement
Address counterarguments more effectively to show a well-rounded understanding of the topic. Consider why some people might believe that individuals should be solely responsible for their retirement.
task achievement
Your essay provides a clear stance on the topic and highlights specific examples such as the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and the United States.
coherence cohesion
You have identified key points regarding government responsibility and public expectation effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • self-reliance
  • financial planning
  • social safety nets
  • poverty and inequality
  • employer-based pension schemes
  • personal savings
  • government benefits
  • economic factors
  • inflation
  • financial markets
  • government intervention
  • ethical implications
  • disparities
  • quality of life
  • collective approach
  • retirement planning
  • retirement security
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