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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Employment should give their staff at least a 4-week holiday a year to make employees better at their jobs. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#employment #staff #-week #holiday #year #employees #jobs
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In modern society,
work
Use synonyms
 has become more stressful, and people believe employers should give employees a month of
holiday
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 per year. I agree with
this
Linking Words
 view; it will help the staff prevent burnout and
also
Linking Words
 improve their productivity.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, days off are not merely for students but
also
Linking Words
 for
workers
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 who struggle day and night. As we can see, students have their
holiday
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 in both winter and summer, and there are even more holidays that are from some national holidays.
However
Linking Words
, on the days that the workforce can be rested, except for national holidays and weekends, the only method is taking a day off, which shows employees' lack of vacation
time
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. Vacations for the
workers
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 are a kind of release, an escape from the pressure of daily
work
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, and a way to enjoy their own
time
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. Researchers have shown that proper rest can recuperate our mental and physical state, alleviate stress, and improve productivity. There is a saying that goes, “ Taking a break is for accomplishing a longer journey.”
Therefore
Linking Words
, extended
holiday
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 periods help them perform better at
work
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 and improve their job satisfaction. Providing employees with sufficient
holiday
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time
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 is crucial in today’s fast-paced working environment. Many people
work
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 too much today, causing
the
Correct article usage
apply
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problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
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 in their personal lives. There is a growing trend of workaholism; they spend many hours at the office, and some are even forced to
work
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 overtime or on the weekends.
As a result
Linking Words
, they have less
time
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 for themselves, like their hobbies, families, and friends.
This
Linking Words
 imbalance between
work
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 and life can bring about pressure, and their relationship will gradually grow apart.
For instance
Linking Words
, my mom is a workaholic who works abroad, and she merely comes back, which led to our relationship not being as close as before. In conclusion, I agree with giving proper vacation to the
workers
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. It is not only merely a perk but a strategic investment in the workforce's
overall
Linking Words
 efficiency and well-being. By taking good care of
workers
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' mental and health conditions, employers can be more motivated and loyal to the company.
Submitted by yuwen027 on

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task achievement
Try to use more specific examples and data to strengthen your argument. Providing more concrete evidence would make your points more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Work on refining the transitions between paragraphs to make the flow of ideas smoother. Using a variety of linking words and phrases can help improve coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
You have effectively introduced your topic and provided a clear opinion from the outset.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion is well-structured and effectively summarizes the key points of your essay.
task achievement
You provided clear and comprehensive ideas, effectively addressing the prompt.
task achievement
The essay highlights the importance of work-life balance and uses relevant points to support this view.
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