IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Humans have made a great technological process in the last hundred years. However, this progress has negative effects on people's lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#humans #process #years #progress #effects #people #lives
Over the
last
 century, significant technological advances have been made.
Such
 advancements
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 sparked a debate about whether
this
 progress has negative effects on
people
's
lives
 or not.
While
 some claim that those improvements are not harmful, I completely believe that they have harmful impacts on individuals.
Firstly
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technological progress has led
some
Change preposition
to some
show examples
 serious health issues. As technology improves,
people
's tendency to
inactiviy
Correct your spelling
inactivity
 increases.
For instance
, after the invention of transportation
vehicles
Add a comma
vehicles,
show examples
people
 begin to walk less, causing obesity, diabetes and heart
realted
Correct your spelling
related
 diseases.
Besides
 that, technology made reaching dopamine much easier than ever.
People
 often spend most of their time on
socail
Correct your spelling
social
 media platforms or streaming applications,
such
 as Netflix and Amazon Prime, making them get used to high dopamine levels which make them prone to
pshycological
Correct your spelling
psychological
 problems
such
 as depression and anxiety .
Secondly
,
people
 started to live more artificial
lives
 with the
techonolgical
Correct your spelling
technological
 improvements. The increasing social media usage is the most important reason for
such
lives
.
People
 create their own profiles
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 those platforms and share whatever they want, it doesn't have to be true.
This
 way
people
 can create their own reality only which can be known by others. There is no way to know how their actual
lives
 are.
Such
 artificial realities cause the individuals who created them to
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
 those are their real
lives
, making them
detch
Correct your spelling
detach
detached
 from the actual reality. In conclusion,
while
 some argue that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Correct your spelling
technological
technologocal
Correct your spelling
technological
 advancements don't have bad influences on
people
's
lives
Submitted by kalkan_emre on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Conclude your essay with a complete sentence that wraps up your argument. This will strengthen your overall response.
coherence cohesion
Try to avoid spelling and grammar mistakes to make your essay more professional and easier to read. Paying extra attention to details will help you to avoid points deductions.
task achievement
Develop your ideas more comprehensively, explaining how each example supports your main point. This will make your argument more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Use devices like conjunctions and connectors to improve the flow between your paragraphs. A smooth transition is important for better coherence.
task achievement
Your essay covers all components of the task and includes relevant examples, which helps illustrate your points clearly.
task achievement
You have used specific examples which strongly support your main arguments and show the negative impact of technological advancements.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • technological progress
  • automation
  • artificial intelligence
  • manual labor jobs
  • unemployment rates
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • health issues
  • obesity
  • cardiovascular diseases
  • mental health disorders
  • social relationships
  • face-to-face interactions
  • feelings of loneliness
  • environmental degradation
  • production and disposal
  • pollution
  • depletion of natural resources
  • medical science
  • global communication
  • information dissemination
What to do next:
Look at other essays: