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Writing Samples
Band 5

Marriages are bigger and more expansive nowadays than in the past. Do the advantages of this overweigh the disadvantages?

#marriages #overweigh
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One action that can help human continue their generation is marriage. In
this
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 contemporary era, the cost of wedding parties become more
compared to
Verb problem
than in
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 the past.
Although
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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 some consider
this
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 action as a good point , I advocate that
this
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 may cause some problems to brides and grooms.
This
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 essay will explain about pros and cons and ends with a logical conclusion. Primarily, when two young
people
Use synonyms
 want to start their common life, they need various kinds of things
such
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 as
refrigerator
Correct article usage
a refrigerator
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,TV,sofa and something like
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this
Correct determiner usage
that
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.
Thus
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 , the more
money
Use synonyms
 they have , the more goods they can purchase.
As a result
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, in terms of financial
fields
Add a comma
fields,
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 it is better for them to save their
money
Use synonyms
 to buy those needs rather than spend on their wedding.
In addition
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,they can save their incomes for their enormous buying
such
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 as a house or car. It is evidence that they have to prepare their own apartment to inhabit it.
Hence
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 , It is a wonderful suggestion that they do not spend their salaries to get a big ceremony at the beginning of their new life.
On the other hand
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, If they do not
get
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have
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 a wonderful wedding , they will not have a good memory of their wedding party. To illustrate more, most
people
Use synonyms
 tend to hold a memorable party in order to get fantastic photos,because they want to have an unforgettable memory of their weddings.
Moreover
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, they can create some jobs for unemployed
people
Use synonyms
.
For example
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, some occupations
such
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 as make-up ,
photographs
Fix the agreement mistake
photography
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,restaurant or some jobs like these can earn lots of
money
Use synonyms
 via these celebrations.
Then
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, not only can they have a wonderful memory but
also
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 they can employ a variety of
people
Use synonyms
 in order to hold a
happiness
Replace the word
happy
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 party.
To sum up
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,
although
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 these days some individuals are willing to hold an expensive ceremony for their wedding , from my perspective it is a better way they save their
money
Use synonyms
 in order for their future. Because unforeseen activity will have
been happened
Change to the active voice
happened
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 in the long run.
Submitted by rezvanmansoori388 on

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task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments. This makes your essay more persuasive and demonstrates a higher level of critical thinking.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow between paragraphs and ideas. Use more transitional phrases and conjunctions to enhance coherence and cohesion.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly states the topic and outlines the structure of the essay.
complete response
The essay presents both advantages and disadvantages of expensive weddings, showing a balanced view.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • extravagant
  • societal expectations
  • financial strain
  • boost to the local economy
  • hospitality sector
  • event planning
  • retail sector
  • unforgettable experiences
  • social bonds
  • emotional stress
  • tensions
  • cultural significance
  • social status
  • cultural identity
  • environmental sustainability
  • carbon footprint
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