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Band 4.5

Many people say that the only way to guarantee getting a good job is to complete a course of university education. Other claims that it is better to start work after school and gain experience in the world of work.

#people #guarantee #job #course #university #education #claims #work #school #gain #world
Most
of
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apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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people say that the only guarantee of securing a good job is through
completion
Correct article usage
the completion
show examples
 of
Add an article
the course
show examples
course
Fix the agreement mistake
courses
show examples
 by a university
education
 system.
On the other hand
, other people claim that it is better to work after school and
garner
Verb problem
gain
show examples
experience
 in the
field
. In
this
 essay, I will discuss my opinion on why I completely agree
on
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with
show examples
 finishing
on
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apply
show examples
a university educational system and getting
experience
on
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in
show examples
 the
field
 after school.
Firstly
, job opportunities available in the market have
a
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apply
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distinct
qualification
Fix the agreement mistake
qualifications
show examples
. In order for an applicant to be hired on a white-collar job, the
person
 must be qualified by going to a tertiary level of
education
.
For example
, if the
person
 does not have a diploma, the
person
 will be eliminated automatically
on
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from
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 the selection process. Meanwhile, college graduates may have an advantage of being hired as they
posses
Correct your spelling
possess
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 the basic
requirement
Fix the agreement mistake
requirements
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 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
high paying
Add a hyphen
high-paying
show examples
 jobs.
Secondly
, working
on
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in
show examples
 industries after
education
 will help the
person
 acquire
experience
. There are methods a
person
 will only gain through exposure at work and not directly at school.
This
 is
due to
 the school’s curriculum leaning more on theory rather than actual setting. For
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
instance, student nurses learn from robotic human bodies and cadavers.
This
 may be helpful but
during
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in
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 the actual
field
Add a comma
field,
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 there are strategies and practices they may be able to learn only by practicing the profession
at
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in
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 hospital settings.
Overall
, I strongly believe that completing tertiary
education
 is helpful to be hired on
white collar
Add a hyphen
white-collar
show examples
 jobs.
Moreover
, the applicant may gain
experience
at
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in
show examples
 the actual
field
while
 working on the profession being chosen.
Submitted by dhowardjacob on

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task response
There are some grammatical errors and awkward phrases. Focus on improving grammar and clarity by reading more academic articles or practicing with a tutor or online resources.
task response
You should more thoroughly develop your ideas and provide more detailed examples to better support your arguments. Aim for at least one strong, specific example per main point.
coherence cohesion
Your main ideas are somewhat clear, but try to make them more comprehensive. You can use linking words or phrases like 'Furthermore,' 'In addition,' or 'For instance,' to improve flow and connectivity.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay can be improved by ensuring each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and flows logically to the next. This will make your argument more compelling and easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which provides a solid foundation for your argument.
task achievement
You have clearly stated your opinion on the topic and made an effort to support your viewpoint with examples and explanations.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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