These days many kids spend a lot of their time playing computer games instead of doing sports. What is the cause of this? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

Nowadays,
children
are paying more attention
on
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to
show examples
video games than
pyhysical
Correct your spelling
physical
activities. There are several roots contributing to
this
matters
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matter
show examples
. I believe that
this
trend has negative developments on younger generations.
To begin
with, no one can deny that the advancement of technology affects
on
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apply
show examples
people's lifestyles compared to the past. When both technologies and the internet become accessible among the communities, especially a younger group, they
tends
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tend
show examples
to focus more on digital devices
such
as computer games or smartphones rather than outdoor activities where it can be
tiredsome
Correct your spelling
tiresome
and energy
comsuming
Correct your spelling
consuming
. Another cause is that parental influence and behaviour might
also
lead their
children
to do the same as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adults.
For example
, parents who themselves favor
sceen
Correct your spelling
screen
time can encourage similar habits in their youngsters.
As a result
, kids
spent
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spend
show examples
time
Correct quantifier usage
more time
show examples
indoor
Correct your spelling
indoors
show examples
than outdoor
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
. Regarding
this
trend, there is no doubt that
this
has a negative impact on
children
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children's
show examples
growth in terms of health. When a person sits
in
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for
show examples
a longer period, it might potentially
detrimental
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be detrimental
show examples
on
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to
show examples
ones's
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one's
show examples
well-being.
For instance
, individuals who are inactive for a
while
, leading to
disease
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diseases
show examples
such
as obesity;
likewise
, spending hours on
blue
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a blue
show examples
screen
also
lead
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leads
show examples
to
ailment
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ailments
show examples
namely eye problems.
In addition
, sports can help
enhances
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enhance
show examples
communication skills and teamwork.
However
, when
children
stay at home playing video games and
not
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do not
show examples
socialize with their groups.
Consequently
, they are prone to
self isolation
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self-isolation
show examples
and depression. In conclusion, technology and parents both can contribute to negative developments without
a
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apply
show examples
proper
supervise
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supervision
show examples
and role models, which will affect a young one's physical and mental health.
Submitted by tifjong on

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task achievement
Make sure to proofread your essay to correct minor spelling and grammatical errors, such as 'pyhysical' which should be 'physical' and 'comsuming' which should be 'consuming.' This will help enhance the clarity of your ideas.
task achievement
Try to further develop your supporting points with more specific examples or evidence. This could help in providing a more comprehensive response.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. This can be done by starting each paragraph with a clear topic sentence and maintaining focus on that idea throughout the paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow between your ideas. Using more linking words and phrases will enhance the coherence of your essay.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, providing a well-structured framework for your essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses both parts of the question, providing a balanced response to the prompt.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • accessibility
  • sophisticated marketing
  • addictive design
  • screen time
  • parental influence
  • safety concerns
  • indoor activities
  • social aspect
  • introverted
  • traditional sports
  • inadvertently
  • capture children's attention
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