IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

These days many kids spend a lot of their time playing computer games instead of doing sports. What is the cause of this? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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In the Modern world, Many
children
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 are spending more time with online
games
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,same time they lack interest in playing sports. here I describe the main cause of
this
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 trend
along with
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 my opinion.
To begin
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, modernization and urbanization have made many changes worldwide. behaviours of
children
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 were turned to being online
games
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 by the advent of sophisticated technology and parents both are working culture.
for example
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, twenty per cent school school-going
children
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 spend their time in Online
games
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. On the one hand, there are many drawbacks to
this
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 culture,
in
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as
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 the online system doesn't have a controlling method for the age groups.
Hence
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 pupils intend to know more details and watch the unwanted news and apps.
this
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 leads to loneliness and
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finally
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finally,
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 he faces Unsolvable issues
,
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apply
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 and mental stress problems. without shaking their body, playing
games
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 online leads to Non-communicable diseases
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at in
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in
Correct your spelling
an
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 earlier age.
On the other hand
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, nowadays without technological knowledge, can't stand sustainability in any part of the world. Computer
games
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 help them to increase their creativity skills, which leads to them remaining in the job market or competing easily with others. In conclusion,
Although
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 computer
games
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 lead to improve
children
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's knowledge. but it should be under frequent monitoring.So nowadays we can't avoid technology,
this
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 is
also
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 our one part.
finally
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 prober management and guidance, we support improving their computer
games
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 by giving chance to play outside with peer groups

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grammar
Be careful to proofread your essay to correct grammatical errors and awkward phrases. For example, 'behaviours of children were turned to being online games by the advent of sophisticated technology' could be improved to 'children's behavior has shifted towards online games due to the advent of sophisticated technology.'
development
Develop your points further by providing more detailed explanations and examples. For instance, your points about loneliness and mental stress could be elaborated with specific studies or real-world examples.
coherence
Ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the previous one and that each paragraph has a clear main idea. Transitions between ideas could be smoother.
structure
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion which frame the discussion well. This helps readers understand the main topic and your stance on it.
relevance
You touch upon several relevant points such as the impact of technology and the necessity of technological knowledge in the modern world.
insight
Your conclusion offers a balanced perspective, acknowledging the importance of both technological and physical activities for children.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • accessibility
  • sophisticated marketing
  • addictive design
  • screen time
  • parental influence
  • safety concerns
  • indoor activities
  • social aspect
  • introverted
  • traditional sports
  • inadvertently
  • capture children's attention
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