These days many kids spend a lot of their time playing computer games instead of doing sports. What is the cause of this? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?
In the Modern world, Many
children
are spending more time with online games
,same time they lack interest in playing sports. here I describe the main cause of this
trend along with
my opinion.
To begin
, modernization and urbanization have made many changes worldwide. behaviours of children
were turned to being online games
by the advent of sophisticated technology and parents both are working culture. for example
, twenty per cent school school-going children
spend their time in Online games
.
On the one hand, there are many drawbacks to this
culture, in
the online system doesn't have a controlling method for the age groups. Change preposition
as
Hence
pupils intend to know more details and watch the unwanted news and apps. this
leads to loneliness and finally
he faces Unsolvable issuesAdd a comma
finally,
,
and mental stress problems. without shaking their body, playing Remove the comma
apply
games
online leads to Non-communicable diseases Change preposition
at in
in
earlier age.
Correct your spelling
an
On the other hand
, nowadays without technological knowledge, can't stand sustainability in any part of the world. Computer games
help them to increase their creativity skills, which leads to them remaining in the job market or competing easily with others.
In conclusion, Although
computer games
lead to improve children
's knowledge. but it should be under frequent monitoring.So nowadays we can't avoid technology, this
is also
our one part. finally
prober management and guidance, we support improving their computer games
by giving chance to play outside with peer groupsSubmitted by k.elackiya08 on
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grammar
Be careful to proofread your essay to correct grammatical errors and awkward phrases. For example, 'behaviours of children were turned to being online games by the advent of sophisticated technology' could be improved to 'children's behavior has shifted towards online games due to the advent of sophisticated technology.'
development
Develop your points further by providing more detailed explanations and examples. For instance, your points about loneliness and mental stress could be elaborated with specific studies or real-world examples.
coherence
Ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the previous one and that each paragraph has a clear main idea. Transitions between ideas could be smoother.
structure
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion which frame the discussion well. This helps readers understand the main topic and your stance on it.
relevance
You touch upon several relevant points such as the impact of technology and the necessity of technological knowledge in the modern world.
insight
Your conclusion offers a balanced perspective, acknowledging the importance of both technological and physical activities for children.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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