IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful, while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Every employer requests a resume from
candidates
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, and some even demand the inclusion of the
candidates
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' interests in the CV.
While
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 some argue that
this
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 is beneficial, others do not agree with
this
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 view.
Although
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 I argue
this
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 is beneficial, I
also
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 think that it has disadvantages. First of all, knowing the hobbies and lifestyles of employees provides some benefits for the company.
For example
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, some large companies have cafes, table games, and sports areas
such
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 as football, volleyball, or basketball. Firms organise events for employees on a specific day or time.
This
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 allows workers to escape
work
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 stress and relax.
This
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 has a positive impact on both the
work
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's quality and the labourers' mental health.
Moreover
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, it strengthens the bonds of friendship between workers and allows them to establish close friendships and teamwork.
This
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 approach simplifies the demanding
work
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 schedule and boosts the company's profit.
On the other hand
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, employers may make
biassed
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biased
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 decisions based on the information they receive from job applicants.
For instance
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, even if a candidate is successful in his job, their love for nightlife and alcohol consumption may leave a negative impression on the employer, leading to their rejection.
As a result
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, the employer will reject the candidate, and the firm will lose a valuable employee. In conclusion, I argue that private information from
candidates
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,
such
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 as hobbies or marital status, should be used to improve the quality of
work
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 and provide a more comfortable working environment.
In addition
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, I believe that employers should evaluate
candidates
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 based on their experiences rather than their lifestyles.

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task achievement
The essay effectively addresses the task and explores both sides of the argument. To enhance the task achievement score, ensure that all main points are equally developed, and consider adding more specific examples to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is strong, with clear progression from introduction to conclusion. For an even higher score, refining the transitions between paragraphs and further elaborating on the link between points could be beneficial.
task achievement
Ensure each point is supported with illustrations or examples where possible. This will help in providing a more comprehensive response to the task.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames the discussion well.
task achievement
The arguments on both sides are discussed, demonstrating a balanced view of the topic.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear logical structure that aids in following the writer's argument.
task achievement
The main points are relevant to the topic and are generally well supported.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • job application
  • personal information
  • hobbies and interests
  • marital status
  • relevant
  • useful
  • privacy
  • assessing candidates
  • qualifications
  • experience
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