IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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There is a statement among
people
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 that
products
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 with a lot of
sugar
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 should cost more to discourage consumption, as sugary food can lead to
health
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 issues.
This
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 essay agrees with the suggestion partially because of the potential benefits and drawbacks of the policy to raise the price.
This
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 essay first will discuss how
health
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 issues might decrease, as
people
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 will think twice before purchasing and
then
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 look at how it could negatively affect low-income families.
To begin
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 with,
people
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 may reconsider purchasing high-
sugar
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products
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 if they are more expensive, as it may affect their budget.
Although
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 it may be challenging for some to completely eliminate
sugar
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 from their diet;
nonetheless
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, making sugary
products
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 more expensive is worthwhile because it can reduce
overall
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sugar
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 intake.
Consequently
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, the
health
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 and well-being of
people
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 can improve.
For instance
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,
according to
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 a recent study, the majority of
people
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 indicated that they would be less inclined to purchase sugary
products
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 that have become more expensive, as it would negatively impact their budget.
On the other hand
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, raising the price of sugary foods could disproportionately affect lower-income individuals.
In other words
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, some
people
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 may spend a larger proportion of their income on food, and since
sugar
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 is commonly used in cooking, the cost of their prepared meals could increase.
For example
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, a recent study showed that after the implementation of a
sugar
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 tax, lower-income households faced a greater financial burden as they spent a higher percentage of their income. In conclusion, from the given arguments, I believe that
while
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 increasing the price of sugary
products
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 can reduce
sugar
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 intake and help mitigate
health
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 issues, it may negatively impact families who already spend a significant portion of their income on food.
Therefore
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, implementing another approach to fighting
sugar
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 consumption that considers all
people
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 equally would be preferable.

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task achievement
Your essay would benefit from a more nuanced thesis statement. Consider clarifying your stance more explicitly in the introduction.
coherence and cohesion
Strengthen the logical flow between paragraphs by using transitional phrases or sentences to better connect your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid redundant phrasing such as 'this essay first will discuss.' Instead, smoothly incorporate the main points into the introduction.
task achievement
Your response effectively addresses the prompt, providing arguments for both sides of the issue.
task achievement
The essay includes specific examples and studies that strengthen your arguments, making them more persuasive.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of your essay is clear, with well-defined introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, enhancing readability.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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