IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Countries should restrict foreign companies from opening offices and factories in order to protect local business. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons and specific examples to explain your answer.

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It is often believed that regulation is necessary to prevent foreign
companies
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 from opening businesses to secure local work. I partially agree with
this
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, for growing globalization leads to the disappearance of local factories and offices regardless of foreign
companies
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 stimulating local ones to expand their business opportunities. On the one hand, strict restrictions should be imposed on foreign
companies
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 since they can damage local businesses.
In other words
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, more local industries are replaced by foreign firms, which can offer a higher quality of service at a lower cost.
For instance
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, a Chinese furniture store near my house is becoming popular
due to
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 its superior sustainability to locally made products since the former usually lasts 5 years longer than the latter.
Thus
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, the emergence of
such
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 an international product is more likely to lead to the disappearance of local
companies
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as well as
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 unique skills and intelligence passed down for a long history, making it necessary for the government to discourage their business activities.
On the other hand
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, intervention from the government is not needed because of
a
Correct article usage
the
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 positive effect that foreign business has on local works, resulting from rising incentives. Indeed, the profits of local firms grow higher since they compete with one another, trying to attract more customers.
For instance
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, small local rice
companies
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 in Ishikawa are successful in producing more nutritious rice called "Koshihikari"as they imitate foreign products.
Consequently
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, local businesses are not only able to earn more money but
also
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 increase knowledge and skills for survival in the competition. In conclusion, I somewhat agree that restrictions should be imposed on foreign
companies
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 to protect traditional intelligence and techniques passed down from ancestors.
However
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, there is a potential benefit to local industries as they are more motivated to produce new items, which allows them to prosper.

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task achievement
Your essay provides a clear and well-rounded response to the prompt, addressing both sides of the argument. To improve even further, consider expanding your arguments with a few more detailed examples and explanations.
coherence cohesion
While the logical structure of your essay is good, transitions between some ideas could be smoother to enhance overall coherence. For instance, using phrases like 'Moreover,' or 'Additionally,' could improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
You have a very clear introduction and a concise conclusion, which ties the essay together effectively.
task achievement
Your use of specific examples, like the Chinese furniture store and the Ishikawa rice companies, effectively supports your main points.
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