IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

People today are more concerned with owing material possession than with developing friendships and family relationship. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

#people #possession #friendships #relationship
Nowadays,
while
people
 feel that holding their material possessions is an issue for them to worry about, I,
however
, believe that the expaindment of both family and friendship is more important to concern.
Firstly
, human connection is an essential part of
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 that
people
 should be concerned
.
Change preposition
about.
show examples
 When individuals experience an awful experience, they get stressed, and they need to talk to someone who supports them like a friend or family, so they ought to develop their relationship as much as they can since they need to rely on them
on
Change preposition
during
show examples
 bad events. Another reason is personal growth. It means that relationships which
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 related to both family and friends
helps
Change the verb form
help
show examples
people
 to build a better character
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
themselves, as connecting
hepls
Correct your spelling
helps
 them how
Add the particle
to
show examples
manage their life, or how to be a responsible
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 in society.
Finally
, the main reason why I believe is that it encourages
people
 to achieve their goals.
For example
,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
interacting with our family,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can help us to follow our dreams, I remember, my friend told me, when she was 16 years old she wanted to leave school, but when she spoke with his family, she was convinced to pursue his academic journey to achieve their goals in future, and now she is working in a famous company,Google. In conclusion, not only
does
Change the verb form
do
show examples
 relationships make
people
 to growth, but they
also
 pursue their goals.
Therefore
, I agree that concerning about how to develop our relationship is important
Submitted by yektashahryari on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
To further improve coherence and cohesion, work on creating smoother transitions between paragraphs. This will help ensure a more logical flow throughout the essay.
task achievement
Expand and elaborate on your main points to achieve greater depth in your arguments. For example, providing more detailed explanations or additional examples for each point.
conclusion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points of the essay and reinforces the writer’s stance on the topic.
task achievement
The essay includes relevant examples that support the main arguments, making the points more relatable and comprehensible.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!