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Band 4

People today are more concerned with owing material possession than with developing friendships and family relationship. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

#people #possession #friendships #relationship
Nowadays,
while
people
 feel that holding their material possessions is an issue for them to worry about, I,
however
, believe that the expaindment of both family and friendship is more important to concern.
Firstly
, human connection is an essential part of
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 that
people
 should be concerned
.
Change preposition
about.
show examples
 When individuals experience an awful experience, they get stressed, and they need to talk to someone who supports them like a friend or family, so they ought to develop their relationship as much as they can since they need to rely on them
on
Change preposition
during
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 bad events. Another reason is personal growth. It means that relationships which
is
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are
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 related to both family and friends
helps
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help
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people
 to build a better character
from
Change preposition
apply
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themselves, as connecting
hepls
Correct your spelling
helps
 them how
Add the particle
to
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manage their life, or how to be a responsible
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
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 in society.
Finally
, the main reason why I believe is that it encourages
people
 to achieve their goals.
For example
,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
interacting with our family,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can help us to follow our dreams, I remember, my friend told me, when she was 16 years old she wanted to leave school, but when she spoke with his family, she was convinced to pursue his academic journey to achieve their goals in future, and now she is working in a famous company,Google. In conclusion, not only
does
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do
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 relationships make
people
 to growth, but they
also
 pursue their goals.
Therefore
, I agree that concerning about how to develop our relationship is important
Submitted by yektashahryari on

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coherence cohesion
To further improve coherence and cohesion, work on creating smoother transitions between paragraphs. This will help ensure a more logical flow throughout the essay.
task achievement
Expand and elaborate on your main points to achieve greater depth in your arguments. For example, providing more detailed explanations or additional examples for each point.
conclusion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points of the essay and reinforces the writer’s stance on the topic.
task achievement
The essay includes relevant examples that support the main arguments, making the points more relatable and comprehensible.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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