IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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In the modern age, with the development of gadgets, most children’s daytime involves using their handsets whether for school-related courses or recreational activities. Negative aspects may outbalance the positives if not regulated. Smartphones play an important role in adolescent’s lives
in particular
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. On the one hand, some schools hold online classes obligatory for students to participate in, as they are set as part of their educational curriculum
furthermore
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, they are given homework assignments which require the use of devices
such
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 as smartphones.
On the other hand
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, playing online games with friends has become popular among teenagers as an optimal activity in terms of entertainment.
For example
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, a study published in the UK’s official publication in 2022 revealed that 75% of adolescents spend an average of three hours of their free
time
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, playing an online game known as “PUBG” and making virtual friends.
Time
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 spent on handsets is considered a passive activity;
therefore
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, concerning downsides of
this
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 phenomenon should not be overlooked. Spending long hours on mobile phones endangers both the physical and mental health of a child. Obesity is one of the resulting issues, as children feel reluctant to engage in outdoor events
such
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 as soccer matches.
In addition
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, staring at screens for long is an unhealthy habit for one’s visual system, leading to severe headaches and increasing the likelihood of needing glasses early in life. Despite the fact that artificial intelligence helps us in various aspects of our lives, it hinders youth's creativity. Without the internet, children would communicate with people in person and interact with nature.
Thus
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, improving their social skills and creativity. In conclusion, children devote a considerable amount of
time
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 to their smartphones to
fulfill
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fulfil
show examples
 school requirements or occupy their leisure
time
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.
while
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 digital gadgets offer numerous benefits,
such
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 as facilitating education and providing entertainment, their overuse can lead to adverse consequences for youngsters.

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task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the prompt and provides a clear response to both parts of the question. However, you could add more varied examples and expand on your points for a more comprehensive discussion.
coherence cohesion
The logical flow of your essay is commendable, but there is room for improvement in the coherence between some paragraphs and ideas. Use more linking words and phrases to ensure smoother transitions.
coherence cohesion
You have supported your main points well, but adding additional specific examples or statistics could strengthen your argument even further.
task achievement
You effectively identify and discuss both reasons why children spend time on smartphones and the potential negative consequences.
task achievement
Your use of examples, such as the UK study on the game 'PUBG', enhances your argument and provides real-world context.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-structured. Your essay has a clear opening that introduces the topic and a conclusion that summarizes your discussion effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are well-supported with logical arguments, making your essay persuasive and focused.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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