IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?

#people #video #games #fun #tool #videos #effect
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While
Linking Words
 some
people
Use synonyms
 think
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 are harmless fun and can be a tool for education, some believe that
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 can have negative effects on those who play them. I think they have equal positive and negative impacts on players.
Video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 can have disadvantages and bring physical health problems.
Linking Words
This
Correct determiner usage
These
show examples
 types of
games
Use synonyms
 are really attractive and when someone is engaged
them
Change preposition
in them
show examples
, he may lose track of time.
As a result
Linking Words
, they would spend long hours on these
games
Use synonyms
while
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 they gaze on
monitor
Add an article
the monitor
a monitor
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 and sit on a chair.
This
Linking Words
 sedentary lifestyle can damage their health and cause skeletal and eye problems.
In addition
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, many
video
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games
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 have violent
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
 which are harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
people
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. These contents have negative effects on teenager's behaviour, and launch them to treat at a negative way.
On the other hand
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,
video
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games
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 can affect positively.
For example
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, learning a new language can be difficult for many
people
Use synonyms
. By using
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
, they can easily be educated
a
Change preposition
in a
show examples
language and even more in an attractive approach.
Furthermore
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,
consideing
Correct your spelling
considering
 the high speed of life in
this
Linking Words
 modern world,
people
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 require the ability
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 quick
problem solving
Add a hyphen
problem-solving
show examples
.
Video
Use synonyms
games
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 provide
this
Linking Words
 chance for them to process challenges quickly and find a better solution. In conclusion,
although
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 some
people
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 think
video
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games
Use synonyms
 are harmless and have benefits
such
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 as educating
people
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,
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 believe
these
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 new generation of
games
Use synonyms
hava
Correct your spelling
has
 negative effects on
player
Fix the agreement mistake
players
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as physical health
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
. I strongly
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
 that by using them correctly, they have equal positive and negative impacts.
Submitted by hg1984 on

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task achievement
Try to elaborate on your main points with more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. For instance, mention specific studies or incidents linking video games to health issues or benefits.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph flows logically to the next. Use linkers and transitional phrases to enhance the cohesion of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Be careful with grammatical accuracy such as subject-verb agreement ('These contents have... and launch them to treat in a negative way' should be 'These contents have... and lead teenagers to behave in a negative way').
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
You address both sides of the argument, making your response balanced and well-rounded.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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