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Writing Samples
Band 8

Some people believe that educational qualifications will always bring success in life. Other people say that educational qualifications do not necessarily bring success. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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It is often believed that educational qualifications matter for success but some
people
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 are pessimistic about
this
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 view. I partially agree with
this
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 because of their advantage that allows
people
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 to move to the next stage more easily in employment regardless of the change of a
society
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 where individual characters and
skills
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 are regarded as more important. On the one hand, a higher educational background is more likely to lead to a successful life since job applicants can often skip a certain stage of evaluation to proceed to another.
In other words
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, they can move to the final stage more easily than others with lower qualifications as it ensures the sufficient understanding and
skills
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 needed for work.
For instance
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, applicants with a certificate of grade 1 for the Eiken exam are not required to take written exams in applying for jobs as English teachers as it officially proves their language fluency and sophisticated intelligence.
This
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 leads to a higher chance of employment, which provides them with a more stable income and respected status, making them satisfied with their lives.
On the other hand
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, educational proof does not always promise success as companies tend to put more focus on personalities with more mixed
skills
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 to survive in the modern competitive world. Indeed, individual
skills
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such
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 as interpersonal techniques, communication
skills
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 and leadership are more valued than academic knowledge as
society
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 becomes more complicated and changing rapidly.
This
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 is the reason why companies conduct more interview tests today, from which employers can assess
people
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's flexibility
as well as
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 problem-solving
skills
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.
Therefore
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, an educational background does not necessarily lead to a successful life
due to
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 the altering demands of
society
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. In conclusion, I somewhat agree that academic achievement is a significant factor for success as
people
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 are able to gain some privileges, which increase their chances of successful employment.
However
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, its value declines since mixed personal
skills
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 are more respected in current
society
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.

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coherence cohesion
To enhance clarity and readability, consider breaking the second paragraph into two smaller ones where you discuss different perspectives. This will make it easier for readers to follow your arguments.
task achievement
Avoid minor grammatical errors such as missing spaces between sentences and unnecessary repetition of words (e.g., "more easily" repeated twice in a close range).
task achievement
You can enhance the depth of your argument by adding a few more specific examples or data points to support your views. This will add to the credibility and richness of your discussion.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea; this will enhance coherence and the flow of your essay.
task achievement
The essay provides a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument thoroughly.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively summarize the key points of the essay.
task achievement
Specific and relevant examples are used to support the main points, particularly the example regarding the Eiken exam.
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