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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearence. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #success #life #work #determination #factors #money #appearence
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Hard
work
 and
determination
 are definitely important
factors
 for
success
 in life.
However
, other
factors
 including
appearence
Correct your spelling
appearance
,
money
 and connections are
also
 important for
success
. It is usually a mix of the aforementioned
factors
 that
results
Change the verb form
result
show examples
 in
success
. An individual lacking hard
work
 and
determination
 cannot achieve any meaningful
success
. Consistent efforts over extended periods of time can improve the odds of
success
 in any field. Through consistent efforts, a person can develop and improve the skills required to achieve mastery in the chosen field. In turn, mastery can significantly increase the likelihood of
success
.
Determination
also
 plays an important role as the road to
success
 is long and filled with hurdles. A person can overcome any hurdles through a strong resolve to succeed.
For example
, hard
work
 and
determination
 play a key role in a sportsperson's
success
.
On the other hand
, superficial
factors
 including
money
 and
appearence
Correct your spelling
appearance
 can influence an individual's ability to succeed. These
factors
 are important
due to
 the perception of the general public which associates looks and
money
 with
success
.
Additionally
, the impact of appearance can be major in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
certain industries
such
 as modelling and acting.
For example
, a very attractive aspiring actor is more likely to be a successful actor than an unattractive peer. The unattractive actor may have to prove their acting skills more than their attractive counterpart. In my opinion,
factors
such
 as
money
 and
appearence
Correct your spelling
appearance
 are important
although
 they are not substitutes for hard
work
 and
determination
. I believe hard
work
 and
determination
 are primary
factors
whereas
 the other two are secondary.
However
, the road to
success
 becomes much easier for a hardworking and determined individual with looks,
money
 or both.
Submitted by nakuleshj1998 on

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General
Try to include a broader range of vocabulary to make the essay more engaging.
General
Make sure to further elaborate on the examples used to strengthen your arguments.
Task Achievement
The essay clearly discusses both views and provides a personal opinion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is solid with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
Task Achievement
Main points are well-supported and explained with appropriate examples.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay maintains a consistent and coherent flow of ideas.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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