IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? What sort of punishment should parents and teacher be allowed to use to teach good behaviour to children,

#children #difference #right #age #punishment #distinction #sort #parents #teacher #behaviour
The charts present the information about people aged 60-64 in employment. The collected data apply to four countries in 1970 and 2000. First of all, the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of working men decreased in 2000 in comparison to 1970. The similar change among the women depends on
particular
Add an article
a particular
the particular
show examples
 country.
However
, the corresponding percentage remained stable, and the changes were not significant. It is important to note the fall
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 working men's percentage in Belgium. It dramatically diminished from 79 to 19%. The less significant drop took
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
place in Australia and in the USA. It has
came
Change the verb form
come
show examples
 to 27 and 18%
accordingly
 respectively.
Finally
, in Japan, the figure started from 84% in 1970 and reduced to 76% in 2000. The number of working women varies in the reporting countries. The highest percentage was in Japan in 1970, and the lowest point was in Belgium in 2000. To summarize, one can notice the great differences between countries and decades.
Submitted by dulskywork on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure that every main point is well supported with relevant details and examples. For instance, you could provide more specific data for the women in employment in each country to strengthen comparisons.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the introduction and conclusion to clearly outline the scope of the essay and provide a more thorough summary of the findings. This will help to wrap up the analysis cohesively.
task achievement
The essay effectively points out the general trends and differences across the countries and decades, making it clear to the reader.
coherence cohesion
The writer makes use of comparative language effectively, such as 'diminished' and 'reduced,' which accurately represent the changes observed.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • discipline
  • constructive punishment
  • positive reinforcement
  • non-physical punishment
  • time-out
  • privileges
  • consequences
  • consistency
  • proportional
  • empathy
  • internalize
  • misbehavior
  • physical punishment
  • aggression
  • antisocial behavior
What to do next:
Look at other essays: