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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Q. In many countries, it is now illegal to advertise alcohol. Do you agree or disagree?

#q #countries #alcohol
A. It is argued that many nations believe that promoting
alcohol
 should be banned.
This
 essay agrees with that statement because alcoholic beverages allow
people
 to be drunk which could lead to serious health problems and social problems. It is known that drinking beer, wine, and whiskey too much is related to health
issues
.
While
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
alcohol
 advertising shows
people
 the
tase
Correct your spelling
taste
show examples
 of
alcohol
 and the feeling rather than the dark side of
alcohol
such
 as liver cancer and other serious health
issues
. Many studies have revealed
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the
relation
Replace the word
relationship
show examples
 between drinking
alcohol
 and
deceases
Correct your spelling
diseases
show examples
.
For example
,
people
 who drink a lot are likely to suffer from liver cancer or addiction to
alcohol
.
Therefore
, it is suitable for nations to ban alcoholic ads. Another reason why countries should stop promoting
alcohol
 is that it can prevent social
issues
. It is true that many breaking news
deal
Fix the agreement mistake
deals
show examples
 with social
issues
 which drunk
people
made
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
 like drunk driving, vandalism, and so on. Many drunk
people
 tend to be aggressive and lack the ability
of judging
Replace the preposition
to judge
show examples
 which can lead to destruct someone's property intentionally.
For example
, a fully drunk man
drive
Change the verb form
drives
show examples
 his car, crushing every public property and
kill
Wrong verb form
killing
show examples
 a
street walker
Correct your spelling
streetwalker
show examples
. Promoting
alcohol
 is not a good way to prevent those social
issues
 rather it makes
people
 drink more. In conclusion, many governments should prohibit
advertisement
Add an article
the advertisement
show examples
 of
alcohol
 to be able to make
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 society and prevent diverse
alcohol
issues
 from society.
Submitted by hans2p17 on

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Task Response
Ensure that each supporting paragraph has one main idea. In the current essay, combining health issues with alcohol advertising in one section seems a bit cluttered.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use a variety of linking words and phrases to improve the flow of the essay. For example, in the first supporting paragraph, 'While' could be linked to 'most of alcohol advertising' more smoothly.
Task Response
Strengthen specific examples with more data or direct studies for better evidence. For instance, when discussing health issues related to alcohol, you can cite specific studies or statistics.
Task Response
The introduction clearly states the writer's stance, which is crucial for a good essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay maintains a logical progression from one point to the next, making it easy for the reader to follow the argument.
Task Response
The essay provides clear and comprehensive ideas throughout, supporting the main argument effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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