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Band 5

Some people believe that the experiences children have before they go to school will have the greatest effect on their future life. Others argue that experiences gained when they are teenagers have a bigger influence. Discuss both views and give your option

#people #experiences #children #school #effect #future #life #teenagers #influence #option
Many
people
 think that
children
's
experience
Fix the agreement mistake
experiences
show examples
 during
pre-school
Correct your spelling
preschool
show examples
 will
give
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a significant impact
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their future
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
However
, others believe that teenagers could be the most influential
phase
to determine
Change preposition
in determining
show examples
people
's
characteristics
. I strongly agree that the experiences
children
 will
give
Verb problem
have
show examples
bigger
Correct article usage
a bigger
show examples
 impact because the
brain
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 developed significantly in
this
phase
 when they
firstly
Change the word
first
show examples
 understand basic
life
 needs. On the one hand, the most influential
phase
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 is when they
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 because
this
 correlates to the
brain
's growth. The
brain
 grows significantly starting from
they
Rephrase
when they
show examples
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 born until
first
Correct article usage
the first
show examples
 1000 days of their
life
.
Therefore
, the most crucial
phase
 to determine
characteristics
 will happen even though they have not started their school yet.
This
 statement is proven by some pedagogical experts
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
suggests
Change the verb form
suggest
show examples
to give
Change the verb form
giving
show examples
 the best parenting to cultivate
children
's
characteristics
.
On the other hand
, others think that characters will rapidly grow when
people
 have intense socialization with their environment, which usually happens
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 teenagers.
It
Correct pronoun usage
This
show examples
 is because youngsters have already
capability
Correct article usage
the capability
show examples
 to absorb significant information that may affect their inner characters. It proves when one of the
psychologists
Change to a genitive case
psychologist's
psychologists'
show examples
 research reveals that the quality of university will determine how successful
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
's
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
 in the future
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because a remarkable university will give a good environment to find their passion and potential which
also
affect
Correct subject-verb agreement
affects
show examples
 their characters as well. In conclusion,
children
's
characteristics
 are developed when they enter
their
Change the word
an
show examples
 early age because their
brain
 is developed significantly to comprehend information which influences their
characteristics
 until they get old.
Submitted by bhaswarawira on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay, try to make clearer transitions between ideas. Use more linking words and phrases to ensure a smoother flow from one point to the next.
task achievement
Provide more specific and varied examples to strengthen your arguments. Relate these examples directly to the point you are making to ensure they are relevant and support your main ideas effectively.
coherence cohesion
The introduction does a good job of presenting both views, and your conclusion ties back to your main argument well.
task achievement
The main points are clearly stated and you have a good understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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