IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Do you agree learning cooking and haircut online help save time and cost? Is it possible to learn cooking and haircut online?

#haircut #time #cost
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Nowadays, learning online
platform
Fix the agreement mistake
platforms
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 entering the education system in the new era because you are able to learn
from
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apply
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everywhere so, it helps
saving your
Wrong verb form
save
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 time and cost for sure. But in my opinion, online
platform
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platforms
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 can only work for the beginner stage especially cooking and haircutting because there are a lot of details that if you would be a good chef and haircutter you have to learn on many small details that not be able to learn online class. So, I agree that learning cooking and haircutting online
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
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 save time and cost but I do not agree that possible to learn.
First,
feedback from the
instructor
, on cooking online, the
instructor
 cannot taste your food after
finish
Replace the word
finishing
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 cooking so, who can confirm that your cooking is okay or not, and who can tell you how to improve your cooking skill
.
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?
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 On haircutting online, the
instructor
 cannot see the detail deeply that haircutting there are many details that you have to look
on
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at
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.
Second,
the techniques of using tools, learning from online
platform
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platforms
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 for me, it is very hard to understand the equipment
such
 as, on cooking you have to know how to use
pan
Correct article usage
a pan
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, knife, and pot and on
haircutting
Add a comma
haircutting,
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 you have to know how to use scissor, comb, and cutting machine. So, if you are in front
with
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of
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 the
instructor
, he or she can teach you the technique
how
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of how
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 to use the tools in
deep
Change the article
a deep
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 way.
Finally
, if you want to be a professional chef of haircutter, in my opinion, I think the certificate is very important for you to have. People will more trust you when you have
a
Remove the article
apply
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real learning but if you have an online certificate people will have to think about it.
For example
,
this
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in this
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 restaurant, the chef or the haircutter only
learn
Correct subject-verb agreement
learns
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 cooking from online
class
Fix the agreement mistake
classes
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. So, you will be harder than
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
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 have
experiences
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experience
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 or real learning. In conclusion, In my opinion, there are a lot of reasons why learning online does not work for cooking and haircutting
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 feedback
your
Change preposition
on your
show examples
 skill, using the tool, and
certificate
Correct article usage
a certificate
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 guarantee your work.
Submitted by neungsaharat on

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task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the prompt and provides clear reasons supporting your viewpoint. However, to improve your Task Response, consider elaborating more on the benefits of learning cooking and haircutting online before discussing the constraints.
coherence cohesion
To enhance Coherence and Cohesion, you should ensure a smoother flow between paragraphs. For instance, using more transition words like 'furthermore' or 'in addition' can help create a more logical structure. Also, the sentence structures could be more varied to keep the reader engaged.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly states your opinion and sets up the structure of the essay, which helps the reader understand your main argument from the outset.
supported main points
You have provided relevant points and examples to support your view, which makes your essay more persuasive and grounded.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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